The Space In Between
by Seaforce Breeze
Summary: An AU set on the birthday weekend. How did it come to this? What would have provoked Kate to lash out like that? Why was it so hard for Caroline to book a double room? It made me ponder what the back story could be...and...how would I have resolved the weekend?
1. Chapter 1

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 1**

Caroline fidgeted with her phone as she waited for Kate to come downstairs.

"Here's your wine ma'am." A young man placed her drink on the table in front her.

"Thanks." Caroline smiled awkwardly. _He couldn't be much older than William_.

As the waiter moved out of the way Kate stepped in from behind.

"Shall I sit here?" Kate said through tight lips.

"If you like?"

"Do you want a drink? We've got about 10 mins." said Caroline as she signalled the waiter.

She leant towards Kate, "You look so beautiful."

Kate settled herself indifferently into the chair and ordered a gin and tonic.

"You are F….unbelievable…you know that!"

"Kate what you have to understand is that this is very ne-"

"I was so excited when you told me that you'd booked this place for the weekend," said Kate with a real edge to her voice. "I was so flattered, because it was the first time, that you'd acknowledged our relationship outside the house. Acknowledged that I was your partner!"

Caroline felt the jump that her heart made, from a steady beat, to an uncomfortable jog, "I'm sorry but I—"

"Then you go and _book_ two separate rooms!" Kate said. Her jaw tightened with every extra word. "Mentally, I've left, physically I'm here, other than that I'm gone. It's only that Greg is coming for dinner or I'd be going home by now!"

"Kate, I'm sorry…this is hard for me…but I did-"

Kate seemed unable to stop. It was like she'd taken the handbrake off.

"You know Caroline, for me, the idea of spending two days and two nights, alone, with you in one room, was the biggest thing about this weekend. I though yes at last…at last things had begun to change. That I wasn't just a mid-life experiment! That this was what being with me was about," Kate straightened her back and folded her arms tightly across her chest, "but obviously this relationship is not important enough for you…to…to get over yourself…to think of someone else…to take a risk… to acknowledge who or…or what you are. Well, I'm sick of always being the one that has to compromise! I'm done with it! It's always some kind of drama with you…isn't it? It's never-ending…I'm over it!"

The waiter placed her drink on the table in front of her.

The uncomfortable jog had turned into a pounding gallop. Caroline stared at her hands and felt as though she was slowly sliding into a familiar tunnel. As was her ability to speak.

She looked up and caught Kate's dark eyes as she turned back from the fire. The flames still reflected in them. She tried to breathe.

Kate's momentum fed off its own energy, "I get that you have an important job, a _high profile,_ and all this other stuff going on around you, but how long are you going to hide behind that Caroline? It's 2013! You're 46! The head of a large progressive school, where you could be choosing to set an example! So try growing up! It's not always about you!"

The questioning of her competency at work flicked a switch in Caroline. She sat up straight, drew a deep breath in and focused on Kate.

But Kate hadn't finished yet, "I'm too old to be acting like a schoolgirl, away on a summer camp…trying to sneak in to a bedroom with you. Just for what Caroline?…hmm?…bit of an embarrassing fumble?...because that's all it is really…isn't it?"

Caroline's exhale was audible.

She fell back into the tunnel.

The force of Caroline's breath caught Kate in the throat as she inhaled and it startled her. It stopped her momentum with a jolt.

"Arhh…Ms Elliot, there you are," said the hotel manager as he approached, " it's all fixed up then. Here are the keycards for your house double. It's Number 28 so that's 3 doors down, at the end of the hall.

"I hope you don't mind?" he shrugged his shoulders and looked from Caroline to Kate before he continued, "but I've taken the liberty of transferring your luggage across. Both rooms."

Caroline blinked several times as she tried to focus. She automatically smiled at him like it was her go to default face. She nodded in approval and thanked him for his understanding. He placed the keycards on the table and left.

Kate's eyes followed him. Spellbound. Shocked. _Where do I go from here?_ She snapped her head around to look at Caroline. Her mouth was dry. Her mind, so full of angry words moments ago, had to scramble to find a word. Any word at all.

Caroline stared at the keycards. No longer stuck in the tunnel.

The silence is loaded.

Caroline took a deep forceful breath in and stood up.

"Caroline?" Kate said stunned. "Caro—"

Caroline threw her hand up to stop her, she kept her voice level and tight. Her blue eyes were on fire. She looked directly at Kate, "you've more than had your say! I think you've made it pretty clear how you feel! Where you stand!"

Kate tried to speak again.

"I haven't finished. Thank you, for your generous character assessment, and your wholehearted support!" Caroline snapped out coldly "and given, that you are far more concerned with Greg, and yourself, I won't ruin the rest of your evening, with my company!"

The last three words had barely made it out of Caroline's throat before the rush of emotions, that had been hovering around, threatened to take over. She grabbed her keycard and hurried out of the restaurant. She didn't want to give any more weight to Kate's assessment of her.

Kate stared into her drink, somewhat spellbound by the last five minutes. Her mind rushed through the volley of words that had just been exchanged. Hers and Caroline's. She is stunned by both the suddenness and depth of her own anger. She stood up, and as she reached for the remaining keycard, could hear the echo of Caroline's words as they started to resonate in her heart. _Oh Christ McKenzie…you and your poisonous mouth! Shit!_ She turned to follow Caroline and bumped straight into the chest of Greg.

"Kate! Whoa!... Hello Kate." Greg took her by the shoulders and moved his head until he had caught her line of sight. "How are you? It's so lovely to see you?"

He then pulled her into big hug. "You look gorgeous."


	2. Chapter 2

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 2**

Greg took a sip of his beer, tilted his head to the side and looked enquiringly at Kate.

"Are you Ok?"

"Yeah sure," covered Kate, "that sounds very involved Greg, tell me more about the company, are they Spanish?"

The restaurant music and the noise in her head made it hard to understand the words that came out of his mouth. Kate found that she had to look at Greg, really look at him, as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. She repeatedly saw the fragility of trust drain out of Caroline's face as she delivered her last few malicious words, "a bit of an embarrassing fumble." She could taste the bile of her own betrayal.

Kate had managed to explain Caroline's absence as a sudden meeting with a couple of members of the Board of Governors via Skype in their room. She had waited until Greg had ordered a drink, and settled, before she excused herself under the guise of checking on how the meeting was going to see if Caroline would be likely to join them. Kate doubted that she'd be able to calm her down enough to complete the pretence with Greg. She felt that Caroline would be too angry to be civil enough, receptive enough, now, to even want to meet him.

Kate also knew that she had overstepped the mark. That once again, she'd shot off her mouth and there was collateral damage. This time though, it was more than the usual flesh wound. Caroline had never seen this side of her. Not many people had. She was not proud of it. Didn't understand it, and in the moment, felt quite powerless against it. It always felt like a landslide and inevitably, when the dust settled there was harm.

Caroline had not deserved that.

Every step that Kate took up the stairs corresponded to the rising beat of her heart and by the time she got to the door of their room it was racing.

"Caroline? Caroline?" She said gently as she opened the door.

She saw that Caroline has changed her clothes but obviously was not in the room.

"God this evening is getting worse by the minute!" she sat angrily on a chair.

_Where have you gone?_

Kate took out her phone and called Caroline.

The ring of Caroline's phone startled her when it sounded from the pocket of the jacket resting of the back of the chair she sat on.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" she said, furious with herself. "Damn you Caroline Elliot!"

Kate used the toilet in the en suite. She caught herself in the mirror as she washed her hands. Tears welled up in her eyes and she leant her head against the mirror. Shutting her eyes she took a deep breath and pulled in all the resolve she could muster.

As she left the bathroom her eyes spotted Caroline's blue jumper that was folded on the pillow of the bed. It was the jumper that Caroline was wearing on the day that Kate's first noticed that there was this space in between them.

She sat heavily on the bed and brought the jumper to her face drinking in Caroline's scent.

_I think I've really done it this time. I've really hurt you._

ooooxoooo

_There had been an inter-school debate and Williams's team had won in a tight competition. Caroline had been so nervous for him that she'd had to leave the room after he'd spoken and had bumped into Kate, literally, in the hallway, knocking a pile of books from her hands. As they scrambled around on the floor gathering them together Kate noticed that the Head Teacher was a little over anxious and over apologetic. As Caroline handed her the last of the books Kate noticed that there were tears in her eyes._

"_Hey you know this is not spilt milk?" Kate said lightly._

_Caroline stood up abruptly and walked away. _

_Kate jumped up and quickly chased her down the hall._

"_Caroline…Caroline please…wait…wait! That was such a stupid thing to say and I apologise," Kate had dropped the books into a chair and caught up with Caroline bringing her to a stop by gently placing her hand on her forearm._

"_God I'm sorry. That was insensitive and inappropriate," Kate let go of Caroline's arm and took a step back. _

"_It just kind of slipped out," said an embarrassed Kate, "my dad used to say it all the time."_

_Caroline had moved towards a large window and stared at the pattern that the rain was making._

_Kate leant in towards her. "Are you ok?" she said softly, her brown eyes full of concern._

_Caroline managed a feeble smile. "I think so."_

_Kate doesn't move and can't explain the sudden deep concern that she felt for this women that she has had very little to do with. In the 12 months that Kate's been at Sulgrave she could count on one hand the amount of times that they had had any sort of conversation. It had not been purposeful, it was just the logistics of a staffing hierarchy at a large school. Kate would readily admit though, that Caroline had a certain presence about her that turned heads and gained respect easily. And, she had the added bonus of being quite beautiful. _

_Kate had also heard the rumours that engaging with Caroline Elliott was not for the faint hearted. So it certainly was a surprise to catch her with her guard down._

"_Are you sure?" said Kate._

_Caroline turned to look at Kate, and for the first time in this encounter, focused her clear blue eyes intensely on the woman who stood in front of her. She was moved by the genuine concern she saw reflected back to her. _

"_No. It's me who should be sorry Kate. Barging into you like that," her eyes, still with tears in them, returned to the window, like they're looking for some sort of privacy. _

"_I've just been watching William…the debate," more tears as she pointed to the common room._

"_I'm sorry," she said, "it's just that here I don't often get to be William's Mum...you know…like…just be his Mum. I know that it's hard for him. It's hard for both my boys."_

_Kate fished a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to Caroline._

"_Thanks. I didn't think it would be good form to have the Head Teacher blubbering in front of half of St Johns upper school," Caroline paused to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Her eyes searched out Kate's. "If I'm really honest. It's…it's hard for…hard for me too," her eyes were caught in Kate's, "I'm so proud of him that I…I…" she said with such a fierce love that she was unable to finish the words and feeling exposed, returned to the window. Kate felt the power of her distress and the heat of that love._

"_He is a beautiful young man Caroline. All credit to you," Kate said gently, she had turned in solidarity with Caroline towards the window, allowing her to keep whatever it was that needed to be kept._

_They stand in silence and Kate felt the space in between them connect._

_Suddenly the common room doors burst open and the hordes noisily spilt out of them._

"_Addison!" commanded Caroline in her loudest Head Teacher voice, "this is not the Rugby field!"_

_Caroline strode past Kate to deal with the increasing crowd as they filled the hall._

_She discretely ran her hand down Kate's arm as she passed, whispering "thanks," into her ear. _

_A feeling similar to pins and needles raced up Kate's arm and into her chest. Christ what was that?_ _Kate stared at the disappearing back of Caroline as she was gradually consumed by the flow of students as they moved down the hall. _

_Then there was silence, once again. _

_As Kate gathered up her books she couldn't shake the feeling that those blue eyes had asked a question of her. It was a question that she'd seen before, but could not place._

As Kate closed door behind her and made her way down to the restaurant and Greg, she knew that she didn't want to play out this charade to its conclusion.

The essential essence of Caroline, once inhaled, was again working its magic through all her senses and it brought with it, an overpowering desire to find her, and to heal the wound that she had inflicted.

ooooxoooo

Caroline stopped, out of breath, at the end of the lane. She'd been walking for quite some time and had lost track of where exactly she was but she knew that she'd taken thousands of steps because she'd counted them, in batches of one hundreds. It was the only way she knew how to stop the rising fear and pain in her chest, from discharging, before it became real.

She realised that she had found her way to the top of the hill that was at the centre of the town. _Thank God she'd changed her clothes and shoes_. She looked back down the way she'd come and could see the hotel in the distance. She took comfort in that. Propped against a dry stone wall she felt safe. She was out of reach. No one would find her here. No probing questions. No hollow platitudes. No impossible expectations. No humiliating shaming.

Just the gentleness of twilight as it settled over the town.

It was one of the only things that Caroline had been grateful for growing up, this ability to run away, to hide within herself from the chaos and painful stuff. "_You're just like your father… I might as well live by myself for all the good the two of you are." _ She closed her eyes at the memory. She felt it was a handy skill to have when you have big responsibilities and nobody to watch your back. A life saver, particularly over the last six or seven years. She had been able to perfect it, to gear her life around it, to count on it like a trusted friend.

"Damn her!" Caroline said out aloud before she realised it. _Damn! Damn! Damn! Why hadn't she just ignored Kate's advances? What was so different this time?_ She'd always been able to keep her distance - if that's what you'd call it - because generally, she'd been oblivious to anything remotely connected to an inner life!

Tears started to well up in her eyes at the thought of Kate. The turmoil that rested in her chest stirred again, prompted her to keep walking.

_One, two, three, four, five…_

No matter how fast Caroline walked, or how determined she was as she counted her steps, she couldn't stop the sobs in her throat as they started to escape.

_Oh God not here!_

As she rushed past a small church building she spotted a grove of trees nestled at the back overlooking a meadow. A sanctuary. The trees together with the twilight would conspire to conceal her. When she got to the first tree she felt her legs start to give way. By the time she was on the other side of the grove she was barely able to stand.

Doubled over, sobs wracking through her body she stopped, with one arm holding her chest and the other reaching out in front of her looking for support. She finally found it in the shape of a twisted trunk of a very old oak. She leant her head against the tree, and tried, unsuccessfully, to catch her breath. She felt powerless to stop the waves of emotion as they rolled through her. She turned her back to the tree and slowly slid down. Down to a place that she had rarely been before. Though it felt chaotic and frightening, it also brought with it, a strange feeling of relief. Relief, that after all these months, even years, of endless tension, now that the dam had finally burst, she was secreted away from prying eyes and judgement. She drew her coat tight around herself and gave into the grief, hurt and isolation as it washed over her.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 3**

A barking dog brought Caroline back into the moment. It took a while to orientate herself. She checked her watch and even though she'd been away from the hotel for some time there is was plenty of light in the sky. She moved out from under the trees and found a large rock to sit on while she gathered herself together.

She sat there for what seemed like an eternity, trying to make sense of all that had happened.

"I need more time", she reasoned.

She felt guilty and selfish that she'd been struggling to share Kate's dream, but right now this was the one thing that was completely overwhelming her.

It was a bit like a competition… get it right and she'd get to keep Kate… get it wrong and she'd lose Kate or at the very least would have to live with the resentment of the opportunity missed.

The idea of a child was not out of the question, but the weight of it on top of the chaos of the last ten months was taking Caroline to breaking point.

_Was she meant to feel ok with Kate having sex with Greg? Is that what evolved lesbians do now? She didn't know!_ The very thought of Kate having sex with anyone, but her, was unbearable. Having shared that part of herself with Kate, and only Kate, never John…not even close! She felt like it would be a violation of what they had.

Compounding this doubt, she felt that she didn't make the cut as a lesbian either.

"Christ I can't even get that right!"

"_It's 2013 Caroline …you're 46"_ an echo of Kate's words bounced around her head _"Yeah well, if I was 26 I'd be dealing with it a whole lot better!"_ As though she was back-chatting Kate. "_And as you know…there wasn't a lesbian on every street corner in 1985!"_

In fact, it wasn't until she'd got to university that she'd even seen a 'real' lesbian. Martina Navratilova, notwithstanding. And then it was only whispers, of who was or wasn't. Thinking back on it now, if she was really honest with herself, she'd always felt more comfortable in the company of girls and kept waiting for the penny to drop with the boys. It was not like they weren't interested, she'd had no trouble attracting them, it was Caroline that wasn't… no matter how hard she'd tried.

Whether it was holding hands or kissing, neither of which occurred until she was well into being sixteen, Caroline could never seem to get the point of it, and on top of that, thought that the other girls had largely exaggerated the benefits.

Then she met Meg.

Caroline was seventeen. She was between school and university and had been invited to join the Jensens, her neighbours, for a week's summer holiday on the coast. There had been two families piled into a small cottage with a total of four adults and nine children. Necessity dictated that there'd be a lot of bed sharing. Caroline had ended up with Meg. A daughter of the other family. In a single bed out the back in a tiny room on their own.

For Meg, also seventeen, this was a familiar occurrence, she was just grateful that Caroline wasn't one of her four siblings.

Caroline had never even shared a room.

By the time the week was through Caroline was in love with Meg. Well not so much Meg per se. But her body.

Everything about it!

There had been no deliberate physical connection and nothing implied by either of them. Well, not overtly, not from Meg. That Caroline found she suddenly suffered with, restless limb syndrome, was, even by her standards, very mischievous.

Her awakening to the energy of another body, and what it could do to her, was a complete revelation. Other than the odd hug from a parent or relative she was without any tangible experience of intimate physical contact.

This was so left field…so unexpected… confusing…redeeming…exciting.

Even then, in its embryonic stage, without knowing, Caroline knew that this behaviour, and the accompanied feelings were illicit and estranging.

There would be no great comparing and sharing of summer holiday adventures. No giggling or teasing about new found romances. Nothing. She would need to secret away this new thread to her life.

It was handy then, that she'd already had a place for such things.

She now knew, too, that the other girls were not exaggerating.

She never saw Meg again.

_Christ, I'd forgotten about that_. She shook her head as she stood and stretched her hands up, blowing her breath out as she lowered them to her sides.

There remained, still, so many things about her sexuality that she grappled with. She had longed to talk to Kate about them but they never seemed to find the time. Other than in bed. But to Caroline, that didn't seem to be appropriate either. She was conscious of not wanting to appear too inadequate.

"Sod it!" She kicked at a stick, connecting perfectly with it, sending it scuttling across the ground.

Caroline felt it was needy to want to have more time to grow that part of her that Kate had reawakened. And being needy reminded her of John. A shiver raced through her body.

This was completely new territory and one in which she felt she had a deficit of skills, compared to Kate. And the gap seemed to be getting wider not smaller.

"I'm not ready yet!"

_If she hadn't known that Kate was a lesbian, would she have noticed her? Would she have felt the pull of the slipstream that was between them?_

What she had observed about Kate was that she was very competent, kind and well loved by the faculty and the students alike. She also had a lovely easy manner about her. And she was tall.

_But had she noticed the woman? _

"Pffhh," She threw her hands up in acknowledgement that she wasn't overly observant. Particularly of things that were no of relevance. And lesbian lover, at that time, was tucked nicely into that category.

Until the kiss.

ooooXoooo

"_Kate, can I save you from this rabble and offer you a lift home?" Caroline shouted above the din of 40 boys and girls. They were gathered to get on a bus to ferry them home after an inter school choral Eisteddfod in Leeds. She'd done it herself a number of times, and remembered how the fifty minute trip seemed like four hours when you spent it on a bus with pent up teenagers. Besides, there were plenty of teachers to go around, and Kate was always the one to volunteer to do the harder stuff._

"_Yes that'd be lovely Caroline, if the others can manage?" said a relieved Kate, "It's been a long day."_

"_Right then. I need to say my goodbyes. I'll meet you at the Jeep in 10 minutes." Caroline pointed to a car park at the side of the administration building that she headed into. _

_Kate nodded her acknowledgement and saw the last of the students onto the bus then waved them goodbye. As she walked towards the carpark to wait for Caroline she spotted a tall well dressed woman on the other side of the road._

"_Alison…wait up," called Kate._

_The woman turned around, smiled, and made her way to Kate._

"_I've been looking for you Kate. You kind of vapourised."_

"_Sorry. I suddenly remembered that I had to get the kids on the bus," said Kate._

"_You didn't go with them?"_

"_No, I got a lucky break. Caroline Elliot lives not far from me and she's taken pity on me and offered me a lift home," said a happy Kate as they walked towards the car park._

"_Hmm…lucky indeed," laughed Alison, raising her eyebrows._

"_What?" _

"_Well…she's pretty easy on the eye Kate."_

"_So you noticed huh! Not that it'd do me any good. She's a married woman and fairly conservative one at that."_

"_Well you never know. Maybe you can weave your charm on her. It's a long trip."_

"_Like you did to me on that trip through Spain?" said Kate playfully as she stopped and turned to Alison._

"_Is that what I did?" said Alison as she moved closer to Kate._

"_Yep." _

_Alison laughed and tilted her head to match Kate's. "So why haven't you told me that before this, Ms McKenzie?" _

"_A girl's got to have some secrets, Ms Neary," joked Kate, as she put her arms around Alison._

_Alison reached forward and kissed Kate on the lips. "Hmmm, we were good together at certain points. Weren't we?" she asked._

"_Yeah…I think so…that summer holiday in Spain is one of my all-time favourite times," smiled Kate, "and you still are one of my favourite people, you know Alison." She returned the kiss._

"_God I do miss that about you Ms McKenzie. You are, one of the best kissers I know!"_

"_Is that right?" Kate said somewhat seductively as they kissed again only a little deeper and longer this time._

"_There, that should last you for a good while," laughed Kate as she gently ran the back of her hand down Alison's cheek._

"_Oops. We've got company," said Alison under her breath. They both turned to see Caroline making her way towards them._

_Kate didn't break from the hug until she'd given Alison one more quick kiss, "it was lovely to see you…it's been too long."_

"_I'll be this way again in a couple of months. Maybe I'll be able to swing past Harrogate? The country lifestyle suits you Kate. You look so much better." She squeezed her hand._

"_Thanks, I think you're right. It was a good move. See you soon." They leant in for a parting kiss._

_Caroline clasped the steering wheel. She was having trouble trying to fix her mind on a single thought in her head._

"_Christ…what's happening to me?" She shut the door of the Jeep and started to deep breathe, trying calm herself down._

_It was like a poltergeist had taken over her body and transported her back to a time that she'd thought she'd long since dealt with. _

_In the space of three steps, as she'd come out of the building and witnessed Kate being kissed, she'd felt the hands of time scratching at the end of a thread well hidden inside._

_On top of that, she was unable to look away, as the kiss deepened. Even more horrifying for Caroline, was that she'd found that she was suddenly and unexpectedly, very aroused! _

_She stared out the windscreen as Kate got to the Jeep and climbed in._

"_You're a real lifesaver," Kate said cheerfully, "this is so good of you Caroline." _

"_Well…well….you…well hmm…I'm just around the corner," responded Caroline without looking at her. _

"_Still, it's so lovely not to be in the mix with 40 teenagers," smiled Kate, "so thank you." She gently touched the hand that Caroline had resting on the gear stick. _

_As she did, Caroline felt an energy like pins and needles race up her arm and drop into her chest._

_Oh God…what the hell was that? She shouted in her mind._

_As she started the Jeep her phone rang, surprising both of them._

"_Christ sorry about that," she turned the Jeep off and looked at the phone, "hmmm…its Alan…do you mind? I'd better take this."_

"_Hi Alan…Yes." _

_She mouthed 'sorry' to Kate. _

_Caroline was grateful for Alan's call as it gave her the opportunity to step out of the Jeep. _

_After engaging him for an unusually long chat and a couple of laps around the carpark, Caroline felt steady enough to get back into the Jeep with Kate._

"_Right! Well, let me turn that off, and let us head for home," Caroline put the phone down and started the vehicle._

"_I'm dying for a cuppa Kate. I don't know about you?" _

"_Now you're just sweet talking me Caroline. I've been hanging out for a decent coffee since lunchtime," laughed Kate._

"_Well I can't promise you decent, but I did notice a truck stop on the way in."_

_The trip home was a journey of contrasts. Kate was so tired that 10 mins after the truck stop she fell asleep. Caroline was so wired that she could have driven to London. _

_Every mile passed and every sleepy breath that Kate took pulled the thread of Caroline's past closer to the surface. _

ooooXoooo

Caroline was of the opinion that Kate had always been easy and confident about her sexuality, which only served to highlight her own struggle with it. Kate was right, it was 2013 and she was 46. But that part of her was still a shy awkward 17 year old wrestling with her own prejudices, fears and self-loathing. Sex, like intimacy, had never been a big part of her life, and after marrying John, she saw it as perfunctory.

As the years passed so too did the desire to acknowledge the Sappho within.

Kate McKenzie. Had put paid to those years. With one kiss. In a car park. With another woman!

The undertow of that kiss, slowly but surely, had left Caroline drowning in a sea of unending thoughts and dreams of: lingering kisses, gorgeous breasts, gentle touches, softness, inquiring fingers, pert nipples, brown eyes, rose buds, thighs, sensuality, moist lips. And Kate.

"Now my mind is full of nothing but my lesbian lover." Caroline laughed sadly at the irony. She reached down and picked up a small stone and hurled it as far as she could.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 4**

Greg passed Kate another napkin to wipe her eyes.

"Hey…please stop worrying about me…I'm O.K. ," he tilted his head so that he could get a better look at Kate's face. "Kate these things happen…goodness, I've had my share of girlfriend arguments."

Kate looked at him and smiled. He'd always been a bit of a rescuer.

"Come on spill the beans….or is it a bit too private?" he asked.

Kate looked at her fingers, "Everything and nothing," she shrugged her shoulders "being seen together as a couple is one issue."

"Is Caroline not out?"

"No…well only to her family."

"Really! So then when you go out you…what? Do you pretend that you're just friends?"

"Well, that's thing really…we don't go out together?" said Kate, embarrassed to be talking about Caroline like this.

"Wow, ok…I know how important being out is to you," Greg said concerned, "after what you've been through."

"Yeah…well," she had another sip of her drink and stared at the napkin in her hand, "but, it's other things too." She began to pull at the napkin with her other hand, breaking off tiny pieces that she put on the table.

Greg gently held the space for her.

"I know this is going to sound a bit weird, but I think that I was angry at her, because she's going along with this pregnancy thing, and I'm not sure that she wants it. But she wants me. Or the idea of me. The lesbian part of me. I sometimes feel like she's experimenting, testing the waters, and I've been going along with it. The whole bloody charade!"

The tiny pieces of the napkin had been mosaicked into shapes.

"And today I guess that…I don't know…I reached the end of my tether. And you know, you've seen it...it's not pretty."

"What was it about today, that got you Kate?"

"She booked two fucking rooms!" said Kate, astonished, "I was really shocked when the receptionist gave us two keycards and asked me to sign into, _my room_! And Caroline just took off. It was like she couldn't look at me. She was too embarrassed by me. I'm left standing there thinking, shit, am I having to go through this again?"

Kate stopped with the mosaicing and stared out the window, retrieving memories. As she turned back to Greg she felt the weight of them pushing down on her chest.

"It's school yard stuff…isn't it?" her voice started to break up, "I'm still waiting to be accepted onto 'Miss Prefect's' team…and when I do get picked, I prostitute myself to stay there! It's the same old story isn't it?!" Kate threw up her hands, "Jane, Richard and now Caroline. I'm like a bloody moth to the flame!"

Greg leant forward, "I think you're being pretty harsh on yourself here Kate," he reached over and took her hand, "What about Joanne?" he asked softly, "you were her number one pick. She was, besotted - is the word I think - with you."

Kate lowered her head as the tears started to fall freely. Greg moved his chair next to her and put his arm around her. The restaurant was half full and their table, almost sectioned off, was at one end giving them some privacy.

She leant into Greg's chest and allowed herself to sob.

A waitress appeared and quickly started to retreat. Greg held up a napkin as he caught her eye. She returned with a wad of napkins and some water.

"Thanks," mouthed Greg.

After a few minutes, Kate felt the tide turn back, and her breathing became easier. She sat up and looked at Greg.

"I'm sorry," she croaked.

He just smiled tenderly and put his hand over his heart as he moved his chair back to get a better look at her.

"I think I panic a bit with Caroline, because…she has the same effect…on me," Kate said softly, between sniffs, "and I'm not letting her get too close because…because I'm still a bit wary. I'm not sure that I can trust her yet...that I'm more than just a casual…you know…midlife…umm," she shrugged her shoulders as she looked for a word, "and…and I think that today I was so excited about being included in her world. That she trusted me enough to make this bold statement," she patted her chest, incredulously, "with me! Then, in the space of a couple of seconds, she abandoned me, and I stood there feeling naked and stupid and angry at her," Kate looked out the window, "but you know…I think I'm more angry at myself, for being fool enough, to be looking for...for… for traces of Joanne…in her."

"Oh come on. When you've had what you and Joanne had…you're always going to be looking. The marker was set pretty high Kate," Greg said knowingly.

"But it's not Caroline fault that Joanne is…is dead."

"No, and it's not your fault, that you loved her that deeply. And that you want that again," he said really engaged with her pooling dark eyes.

Kate took another napkin, blew her nose and wiped her eyes.

"Then she goes and surprises me…I don't give her the chance to redeem herself, before I cut her into a thousand pieces!" she said, as she looked at the mosaic in front of her.

Greg took a deep breath and smiled reassuringly at her.

"So Caroline must be pretty special, if she's up there with Joanne?"

Kate looked at him for a moment or two. She didn't dare go there. Just yet. She poured them both a glass of water.

"I'm worried that that I've done it this time Greg. I said some really hurtful things that she didn't deserve, and I know that she's feeling pretty raw at the moment."

"So let's go and try and find her?"

Kate looked warmly at Greg, "You are such a sweetie…but I think I've done a good job of mucking up your evening already, without your traipsing around the countryside trying to find Caroline. And we haven't even mentioned the pregnancy bit."

"Plenty of time for that, and you would want Caroline to be here for that…right?" he said with his eyebrow raised.

"Yep."

"Have you talked to Caroline about Joanne?"

"No, not yet."

Kate looked for understanding in his eyes and found it.

"When was it ever going to be the right moment…at the start….once we got going? Oh by the way, I used to have this amazing partner," Kate turned her palms up as she shrugged her shoulders, "or now that I've mentioned wanting to be pregnant? Pfft… Christ…the hole just gets deeper!"

"Mmmm…I take your point…it's tricky."

"It's ironic isn't it…trying to protect me…her… from what …at the end of the day…look where we are?" she shook her head. Angry at herself. More tears not far away.

Kate sighed deeply. "You know we don't actually talk much at all, we're always on the go, and in different directions. Bed is about it. And when we get there, we're either tired, or have other things on our minds."

"As you do." said Greg with a grin.

"At the very beginning we did, a bit, but it was never about stuff that was… you know important," frowned Kate.

Greg stood up.

Kate looked up at him. "I guess that kind of plays into the single room thing for me. I had visions of us lounging about in bed most of the weekend, talking. Well the other thing too," eyebrow raised, "but talking…telling each other stuff, just spending a lot of time together, and with no interruptions from the Conway Drive ensemble."

Greg motioned for her to get up.

"So let's go find her," he fished around in his pocket for his keys, "Right?" he smiled, "come on girl lets go find this woman of yours."

"Can we check around here, then upstairs, first? And I want to change my shoes."

"What is it with women and shoes?" chortled Greg, as he gladly followed behind his dear friend.

oooo-X-oooo

A crow landed on branch not far from Caroline. As it noticed her it twisted its smooth black head to get a better look.

She felt like it knew her story.

"Yes…I agree…I think that I've made a right royal mess of this," she told it.

It straightened its head.

"I always seem to be three steps behind. Am I that stupid? Like why was Kate so upset with me?" she asked, palms open, "I get some of it, but the other stuff…it's like," she swiped her hand over the top of her head causing the crow to dance further up the branch.

Caroline felt genuinely baffled.

_They were sitting in Kate's kitchen having a cup of tea the morning after she'd spent her first night at Kate's. Caroline was beginning to fully understand, the depth of change that would have to occur in her life, for their relationship to work. Not only for herself, but for everyone else._

"_Caroline, I'm not in a hurry. We can take this at whatever pace you want," Kate had volunteered, "you know what's best for you and your family."_

"_Right. I'm not sure that I'm ready to go there yet. That I have the courage…yet."_

"_Christ Caroline! It's only been a couple of weeks. You need to put away the wedding invitations sweetheart…that doesn't happen until week 5!" Kate said cheekily, as she leant forward and kissed Caroline's nose, "so take your time."_

It all seemed so surreal to her now - those couple of weeks - when they'd first got together. It had been building ever since the Leeds Eisteddfod. She can see it now, looking back, but then, she had no idea that they were on a collision course. She was married and even though she was unravelling on the inside, at the thought of being with Kate, she was able to keep it all sectioned away. That's what she did. That's how she'd managed her life up to that point. And that was what she thought she'd keep doing. Her boys, her marriage, her mother and her career, they were the mainstays of her life. Outside that, there was nothing…zilch!

_How had she not noticed that her marriage and her life was a sham? _

"Am I _that_ emotionally crippled?" she asked, wincing.

"Like, am I that fucking blind?" both a question and a statement to herself.

"Jesus! How embarrassing…even my own mother could see it."

She looked to the sky as she tried to squeeze new tears back into her eyes.

She thought about the boys, and wondered how they were managing with all that had been happening. _Oh God…would they come to me, if they weren't?_

One of the things that still caused her anguish was the fact that John had been cheating for some time, and yet, was able to keep up his deception at home and in bed. Without, it seemed, fear of detection. She had become so use to the banal that she had simply not noticed a thing. This, it seemed, he'd come to rely on. Caroline had thought that they had reached some kind of unspoken treaty, about accepting that what they had was doable, good, comfortable. It was even predictable and safe, which was what they'd wanted to raise the boys. She had trusted him to hold up his end of the marriage.

She was annoyed that she'd been so caught up in her promotion to head Sulgrave Heath, that she'd missed all the signs. But they were there. All over the place! Perhaps, had she not been so driven, she may have noticed them, sitting there, like the pins in a bowling alley.

_Was she that anaesthetised? _

They'd shared a bed together but not a life. She could see that now. It screamed at her now! There was no going back. She was awake now.

Unmistakeably awake.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 5**

Caroline was annoyed that she'd been so caught up in her promotion to head Sulgrave Heath, that she'd missed all the signs. But they were there. All over the place! Perhaps, had she not been so driven, she may have noticed them, sitting there, like the pins in a bowling alley.

_Was she that anaesthetised? _

They'd shared a bed together but not a life. She could see that now. It screamed at her now! There was no going back. She was awake now.

Unmistakeably awake.

.

Xxxxxx

.

It only took two phone calls.

The first phone call came with a shovel and dug the hole.

"_John...I'm in a hurry, I've got to get to a meeting in 5 mins!"_

"_This won't take long Caroline!"_

"_By the way when are you coming back? Marcus says the seminar was cut short!"_

"_Yeah well…umm…that's what I wanted to talk to you about."_

_Becoming impatient, Caroline started to pace up and down her office._

"_Spit it out John…what is it this time?"_

"_I've umm…I'm umm…I'm in Cambridge and I…"_

"_Oh for God sake John… you've been drinking!" _

"_No Caroline, I haven't…it's just that what I have to say is…is difficult."_

_Caroline stood there irritated. Silent. Waiting for him to spit it out._

"_I'm not coming home Caroline I'm with…I've met someone and I've moved in with her I'll be back for some of my things over the weekend and to talk to the boys!" _

_There it was. Spurted out in one breath. _

_The end. _

_Sudden…unexpected...prosecuted…without a judge or a jury. _

_Done._

"_Oh…" Shocked!_

_Caroline hung up, and threw the phone onto her desk. Switched to autopilot, gathered her files and headed to the meeting._

o

ooooXoooo

o

_The chinks in her armour took three weeks to start cracking open. _

_Although the first signs of damage began, when John didn't return that weekend, and she found she was resentful of the boys and their attitude towards her as she kept covering for him. _

_Then one week went into two, with the occasional text to William and Lawrence being his only communication. Caroline was then forced to face the truth. John, had in fact, walked out on her. And the boys. _

_William had guessed what was going on. Lawrence figured that John was just playing the game he always played to get back at Caroline. Only this time he might just be pushing his luck. When Caroline had finally told them, they reacted badly. William was angry at her for not saying anything earlier and Lawrence laid the blame squarely at her feet for being such a bitch to John, for too long._

_The more she tried to patch over the cracks, the wider they became. In the end she couldn't reach from side to side._

_When Celia had hoped he'd been tossed into the river and was washed out to sea, Caroline snapped at her that, "she could keep her fucking opinions to herself!" then stormed off._

_It didn't take long for the word to spread around the staff at Sulgrave that they needed to avoid the "Head," unless they wanted to lose theirs. Even Beverly, kept a very low profile and couldn't seem to find a way to calm the waters or find out what was the cause of Caroline's distress._

With the second phone call she fell in_._

"_Sorry I couldn't speak earlier…I had a staff meeting," Caroline said wearily, glad that Friday had come to an end._

"_Sorry love, are you finished?" asked Celia._

"_Yep…what is it?" _

"_Well, you're never going to guess who I saw this afternoon?" said Celia. Full of herself._

_Caroline felt far too tired for games. "Oh who Mum…I really have to get back to my office and pack up for home!"_

"_That dozy husband of yours, with that lush Judith what's-her-name…you know the one that was…."_

_Celia's words disappeared into the distance as Caroline felt herself trip off the edge and fall in._

"_Caroline? Caroline? Are you there love?" called Celia._

"_Right….right…I've got to go," Caroline managed before the impact took effect._

_A dense sickly feeling rose slowly from her solar plexus. There were no coherent thoughts. The back of her throat was dry. She felt like her chest was being crushed. She leant her head against the shelf of the bookcase and placed her hands around the nearest upright as she felt her legs weaken. _

_They'd met Judith twelve months ago at a book launch for one of John's associates._

_A moan escaped from Caroline's lips. It sounded so loud in the empty room._

"_Oh God!" she sucked in a breath before the first sob made its way out. _

_With that, the door swung open and Kate breezed into the room. _

"_Sorry Caroline I didn't realise you were still here…I've come back for my coat," she said as she headed for the chair she'd been sitting on. _

_As the incongruous image of Caroline, with her head resting on the bookshelf, finally registered, she stopped, turned and waited. _

_Another sob escaped. _

_Gathering up a couple of left over napkins from afternoon tea that day, Kate quietly approached Caroline and gently tucked them into her hand. _

_She stayed close, waiting for Caroline to surface. _

_So close that she felt the heat coming off Caroline's body._

_Kate had heard the recent 'Head Teacher' talk that had been bouncing around the corridors of Sulgrave and had decided not to buy into it. That was not her style. She had little time for gossip or those that did. _

_Though she had not seen much of Caroline in the last few weeks, they had conversed a lot more since the 'spilt milk' day. There was something enigmatic, perhaps even alluring about her. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. It wasn't tangible, but there'd been a shift. Caroline Elliot, Kate felt, had become aware of her. _

_The look that Caroline had given Kate the day of the debate was still etched in Kate's mind. It was a look she'd seen again as they had their coffee at the truck stop, after the Leeds Eisteddfod. _

_._

ooooXoooo

.

"_So…is the regional head your girlfriend?"_

_It was a sudden question without notice, twenty minutes after the event, as Caroline placed the coffee cups on the table in front of Kate. _

"_Alison?...No," said Kate looking up, surprised at Caroline's directness._

"_Ohh…you seemed awfully familiar that's all," said Caroline as she tried to back track._

"_I'm sorry…did we embarrass you?"_

"_No…no…of course not!" Too strong…too quick. Caroline sat down and looked out the window wishing that she could suck the words back in. It was as though they had escaped her mouth before she could put a stop to them. Her mind had been in overdrive ever since they had left the car park._

_Silence._

_Kate saw Caroline's discomfort and gave a little._

"_We used to be lovers…about six years ago," smiled Kate, "she still is one of my dearest friends."_

"_Oh."_

"_And no….I'm not best friends with 'all' my old girlfriends," laughed Kate, playing with her now._

_Caroline looked at her puzzled._

"_It is an often quoted part of lesbian culture, Caroline, that we remain friends with all our past lovers…although it has never been my experience," she said, then laughed again, "listen to me…I sound like I've had them by the dozen."_

_Caroline smiled awkwardly and concentrated on her coffee._

"_I'm not sure I know much about lesbian culture Kate."_

"_Do you know any?" Kate tilted her head and guessing at Caroline's next question, "lesbians?"_

"_Mmmm…no…"Caroline frowned, "no I don't think I do. But then Kate - and I hate to admit this - I don't have many friends, of any kind!"_

"_Hmmm," noted Kate. _

_They picked up their coffees and each had a sip, as they let Caroline's comment drop through their respective filters._

"_If you don't mind me prying…can I ask you another question?" asked Caroline, after a few minutes._

"_Sure."_

"_Have you always known that you were …you know…umm…that you preferred women? That it wasn't just a schoolgirl thing to forget? Like, was that from the start, that you knew…that it was, for keeps?" Caroline asked hesitantly. She looked up from her cup with piercing blue eyes and held Kate's, for a heartbeat or two, before she dropped her eyes quickly back to her cup. _

_Kate, caught off guard by the intensity of the look, took a moment to catch her breath._

_Caroline mistook the silence._

"_I'm sorry Kate, that was far too personal…hmm…I think I just need to shut up now and get us home." Her awkwardness returned and she moved to get up._

_Kate reached out and put her hand briefly over Caroline's, stopping her from standing. _

"_It's ok Caroline…I don't mind…it's just that no one has ever asked me in that way before," she said gently._

"_And I shouldn't be asking you now," said Caroline as she stood, retreating back to safety. "Now I just need to find the Ladies and we'll get moving." She turned and was gone._

_Kate was conscious of the empty space she'd left behind._

_They stayed on the safe territory of Sulgrave and music for the first 10 mins out of town, talking freely and easily with each other and then fell into a comfortable silence. Kate found a classical radio station that appealed to both of them and settled down for the journey._

_In the darkness, Kate found herself being mesmerised by the staccato of the white line that divided the black road. The headlights seemed to lift it up and suck it in. Mile after, mile after, mile._

_She turned slightly so that she could see Caroline's face without her being aware of what she was doing. One of the things that Kate had noticed, about Caroline, was that she had many aspects to her beautiful face, and sitting there observing her now, she was presented with another. 'Hmm…she 'is' pretty easy on the eyes,' Kate smiled to herself as she remembered Alison's comment. _

"_Yes, I have always known that I preferred women. Yes, I did know that it was more than a schoolgirl thing. No, I didn't know from the start that it was going to be for keeps…for all time. That only came after I gave up trying to push against it."_

_Kate snuggled into her seat as she reclined it a bit further._

"_It's easier being this version of me than any of the others that I've tried," she said sleepily. Smiling to herself as she shut her eyes._

"_Right." said Caroline, eyes firmly on the road as her heart softly danced like a traitor, about to escape. _

_When they got to a straight stretch of road Caroline stole a look at Kate. She exhaled forcefully. She was struck by the gentle loveliness and serenity of Kate's presence and found that she wanted to reach over and hold one of those beautiful strong hands that rested on her chest. _

_Kate's composure was a complete contrast to the bedlam of Caroline's mind. On an endless loop was the fact that she now knew that Kate was kissable…yet it was a no go zone...and needed to be shut away! _

_End of story._

_That was settled then._

_What was not settled though, was the undeniable ache that had been aroused. Uncomfortably. Incessantly. At the very centre of her being._

.

ooooXoooo

.

_Caroline lifted her head and took a deep breath. Then looked at Kate with uncertain eyes._

_Kate reached for one of her hands. Rubbing her thumb over the back of it until Caroline squeezed her hand in response._

"_Do you want to sit down?"_

_Caroline nodded. Kate led her over to the boardroom table and pulled out a couple of chairs. Caroline sat with her head in her hands as a new wave of emotion travelled through her. Kate got a couple of glasses of water and sat facing her. After a moment or two she put her hand on Caroline's knee to re-establish their link._

"_Christ I'm such a mess," said Caroline as she blew her nose without lifting her head._

"_What has happened? Are the boys ok?"_

"_It's not the boys or Mum."_

"_Good," Kate sighed with relief and dropped her head down to look up into Caroline's face, "do you want to tell me about it?" _

_Another wave passed through. Deeper this time. Caroline held onto her stomach as the hurt emerged and she was forced to sob out loud._

_Kate moved her chair closer so that she was to the side of Caroline. She started to rub soothing circles on her back._

"_Breathe Caroline, let it out…just let it out." _

_Kate felt her struggle with the distress of such raw emotion and the fear of letting it go without disintegrating._

_She reached in to her stomach and placed her hand over Caroline's._

"_Caroline…sit up, and breathe into my hand… it will make it less painful."_

_Caroline wanted to, but found herself fearful and hesitant. She glanced at Kate._

"_Come on you can do this….you are safe…you just need to get some air in there."_

_She slowly sat up and locked eyes with Kate. They breathed together. _

_There was that look again.  
><em>

"_That's the girl….get it in there…come on… another one," commanded Kate, softly, as she held her gaze._

_Caroline sat straighter and took in another couple of staggered breaths. She felt the shock start to leave her body._

_She gave Kate a small sad smile. _

_Kate returned the smile and waited. She knew the next step would be the grief working its way to the top._

"_It's John…he's…um… gone…" Caroline said quietly, looking at her feet, "he's found someone else," she looked up at Kate with tears now welling up freely, "he left us…he's gone…it's been three weeks."_

"_Ahh… Caroline," said Kate as she reached for both her hands, "no wonder you are feeling distressed."_

_Caroline could only look at Kate's hands, wrapped around her own, as the tears cascaded down her cheeks._

_Kate reached for some more napkins._

"_I didn't see this coming," she said through broken breaths, "I feel so small Kate. So pathetic. So bloody worthless."_

"_Ugh Caroline," Kate said with real affection as she leant forward and gently rested Caroline's head on her shoulder. Caroline's grief increased with the tender touch of Kate's strong hands and the warmth of her body. She had no reference point for this kind of affection._

_It felt so foreign. So potent. So wanted._

"_It's ok, Caroline," Kate whispered into her ear as she stroked her gorgeous hair, "I've got you."_

_Caroline groaned with need as she reached out and pulled Kate into a tight embrace, burying her head further into her neck. She held on like a child reunited. Grief, long held, ruptured deep within her and in the safety of Kate's arms, was bought to the surface and released._

_A hundred things flowed through Kate's mind as she held Caroline. None of them, however, could describe the remarkable love that was growing rapidly in her heart. Maybe it was the memory of her own losses softening her, or the courage it took for Caroline to trust her, she wasn't sure. But she was sure that she had started to notice the scent of Caroline, the feel of her, the heat of her, the essence of her and it was claiming Kate. She felt helpless, excited and needed._

"_Back up girl," Kate kept telling herself, "this one's not for you…you're not going down this road."_

_Caroline slowly became aware of the sound of the room and the warmth of Kate's body so close to her. She felt the dampness of her tears on Kate's shirt and the strength of Kate's arms surrounding her. She rested there for a moment. It felt surreal, like she was waking from a dream and yet she felt the rise and fall of Kate's chest and the soft caress of fingers in her hair. All so tangible, and as Caroline came back fully into her body, it also felt, extraordinary._

_Caroline took a big breath, loosened her arms and moved back slightly from Kate._

_Kate gently tidied up the damp and wayward strands of hair from Caroline's face. Caroline looked at Kate, then past her, out of the large library window, with just the remnants of tears showing in her red eyes._

"_How're you doing?"_

_Kate noticed how difficult it was for Caroline to engage with this level of intimacy._

"_Hmmm…." Caroline smiled awkwardly, "well, it's all a bit embarrassing…isn't it?"_

_Kate picked up Caroline's hands firmly, "look at me Caroline…that's so not true," she gave Caroline's hands a squeeze, "but it does feel like shit when you're in it…yeah?" she asked._

"_Yeah," Caroline looked back out the window as new tears formed in her eyes, "this is hard for me…Kate…I've never done this….this …this…" she was lost for words, "I'm not sure that I can't remember the last time I cried in front of… you know…someone else."_

"_Well…I think you've made progress today."_

_Caroline removed her hands from Kate's, conscious now of their proximity to each other, and her uneasiness with that._

"_I'm not sure that I'd call this…" she said warily waving her hands over herself, "progress…it certainly doesn't feel like it…it feels like I'm being dragged backwards over everything that I got wrong. And soon everybody's going to know that…he…that John has chosen a…a…a penniless alcoholic underachiever over me…a workaholic straight laced overachiever," a painful laugh, more tears and a touch of anger follow. _

_"So no Kate…I'm not sure you could call that progress!"_

_Kate looked sympathetically at her._

"_I'm sorry Kate…I don't want to be holding you up."_

"_You're not holding me up Caroline," insisted Kate, "take as long as you like…this stuff takes a while to work its way through."_

"_Does it?"_

"_Yep…and you'll probably feel like you've been run over by a bus tomorrow. That's been my experience anyway," offered Kate._

_Caroline shut her eyes and took a deep breath then released it slowly through pursed lips._

"_Thanks …thank you…for…for this Kate," Caroline stumbled, "it's really kind of you…good of you…t-"_

"_It's just lucky that I'm a scatterbrain and had left my coat behind," said Kate lightening the atmosphere._

''_I hope that I haven't mucked your evening up too much?" Caroline said as she sat up straighter. She felt an element of control filtering back in._

"_No …in fact I think you've made my evening," she said keenly as she looked at a puzzled Caroline, "I always feel that it's a kind of honour when someone trusts me enough to be this…open…so no you haven't stuffed anything up for me," she pushed her chair back and as she stood Kate took Caroline's flushed cheeks in her hands and planted a tender kiss on her forehead._

_Thump._

_With that one small action, the thread of Caroline's past burst out through her chest and attached itself indelibly to Kate._

_Just like that, with one tender kiss. Kate turned the last hour, and the previous thirty years one hundred and eighty degrees…again._

"_OKaay," murmured Caroline as she suddenly felt the element of control vanish, only to be supplanted by a sudden, wild, rush of desire, to take Kate into her arms and kiss her fully and hard on the lips. To feel her body held tightly against her own, to feel her breath on her neck again, and to drink in the heat of her strength and the cool of her calm. To quell the growing ache that had, once again, taken up residence deep inside her._

'_Christ! Get a grip woman' was echoing through her head so loudly she was surprised that Kate couldn't hear it._

"_Now…how about on the way back to your office I make us a cup of tea," suggested Kate. She wanted to prolong the connection without being too obvious, "and we can talk some more about it…if you want," she walked around the table to pick up her coat._

"_Caroline?" asked Kate, getting no response, "you…me…your office…cup of tea…yes?" _

_Caroline lifted her eyes to Kate's, "yes we could do that…or…or if you've got the time," she hesitated as she rose, not wanting to scare Kate off, "or we could…could grab a glass of wine at The Oxford Inn…because I think that's what I need more." _

_Kate smiled softly as she opened the door for Caroline, "hmmm…I think I've said it before, Dr Elliot…you can be a bit of a sweet talker you know…I'll need to be careful." _


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much for all your lovely feedback/reviews. They gladden my heart and put a smile on my face.**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 6**

Caroline stood and turned to the crow, "I should have left it there….colleague to colleague. Yep…nice and tidy, where it belonged," she kicked at a rock, "sleeping dogs and such. I would have learnt to manage and I wouldn't be neck deep in this mess now."

The crow straightened then tilted its head fixing its eye firmly on Caroline.

She raised her hands and shrugged her shoulders defiantly at the bird "what? "

Caught out. More tears.

She sat back down on the big rock. This was no sleeping dog…it was a runaway train. Since the Eisteddfod she had been unable to get out of its way. Never before had she felt so unnerved by the inevitability of something. Whatever it was that was happening between the two of them, Caroline felt like she had no ability to stop it. It was like it was not in their hands and she felt captured. She knew Kate felt it too. They had marvelled at the power of their connection.

Kate got frustrated with her when she questioned it "_Christ…you don't have to wrestle it to the ground Caroline…just trust yourself and your heart._"

"Easy for her to say," she declared to the crow and the empty space, "she's right though, she is always right. God look at me….I can't even acknowledge who I am, let alone us…together…as a couple."

She took a deep breath. _How pathetic…I couldn't even manage to book a bloody hotel room. _

Caroline had started out well enough, with the hotel clerk, but in the middle of the conversation she'd been unexpectedly interrupted by Beverly, keen for her signature on a couple of urgent documents. Instead of putting the young man on hold, she'd acted like she'd been caught out. Consequently, Caroline had hurriedly agreed with anything he'd said and ended the call. The idea of rectifying the situation, at first, seemed conceivable, but as each day passed, it slipped further out of her reach.

It wasn't rational, Caroline knew that, couldn't explain it, but she knew that it was totally irrational.

She had the ability to take on the Minister for Education - for God's sake - as she had done last winter, at the annual National Public Schools Conference. Yet there she was turning into jelly when faced with an inquiring, testosterone filled twenty-something hotel clerk and a trusted PA. The disconnection was not lost on her. She felt like she had started the transaction as a forty six year old and finished it as a sixteen year old.

Caroline knew Kate would be cross with her, even disappointed, but felt that she was better equipped to deal with that, than the clerk, Beverly, and the necessary formality of signing in as a couple, once they got to the hotel.

She had thought Kate would understand.

Caroline was angry now, angry at herself for being such a fraud and at Kate for the mounting pressure to come clean…to start over…to embrace this new life.

"If I was to," she surmised, pointing at the crow, "then it's not like it's only home I need to sort. There'd be the board of Governors, the staff, my position on the district council, my chair at the National Independent School Commission. Ohh God, the list just goes on…the 860 pupils and all their parents," Caroline imagined the eyes of all those faces looking at her, standing alone at the lectern in the Great Hall. She felt nauseous.

"It's a lot different if you're just coming and going to a couple of classes a day," she protested, "that…maybe I could do."

"I just need more time!" she argued.

"_I'm done with it...it's always some kind of drama with you…I'm over it"_

Caroline slumped forward putting her head in her hands, _I've blown it…I should have sorted my marriage out first, what the hell was I thinking, _she swallowed stiffly. _God, even I find it hard, now, to live with John…and Mum…well…shit…she was so unpredictable!_ Her throat felt constricted. Nausea was assembling not far below.

The truth was assembling under the nausea.

The circus of the last few months was being laid at her feet.

She sat up straight.

She saw it now…as it morphed into shape.

They'd started off so well, so happy, so looking forward spending time together. Sneaking moments…like lovers do. Then reality hit on her birthday. And the truth escaped, but not just the current truth. Not just the old truth, long denied. But the deep truth, the core truth…of failed acceptance. Nothing to justify or rage against here.

No, the enemy was, sadly, within.

The old wounds, once lanced, required the old manoeuvres to repair.

But the price for this relationship, for Kate, was veracity, not replication. _I've been there done that. Got the T-shirt!_

The crow had jumped up to the next branch, almost above her now.

"I don't know what normal relationships are like, I see them, but I don't know how to do them," she tilted her head as she looked up at it, almost mystified, as she continued, "so, why did I think I could do this? What was going to be different?"

_Was this just about a midlife experiment? Was Kate right? _Nothing about that question rang true. Caroline knew that she hadn't been looking. She had been married, that was it. There were no other options.

Now of course Pandora's Box had been opened. There was no going back.

Pain flickered across her brow as she recalled Kate's final words, _"just for what Caroline…hmm? …a bit of an embarrassing fumble because that's all it is really…isn't it?"_

She shut her eyes as images of them having sex flashed through her mind. She felt an ache in her groin and pushed down on it. Had Kate just been lashing out or had she really missed the obvious there too?

Kate was only the third person that Caroline had had sex with. So her experience with others was very limited. In the beginning she had been reserved and self-conscious, but Kate had been open and attentive to her. She had created a safe and nurturing environment for Caroline to begin to express herself. Caroline's confidence had grown and their lovemaking, she felt, seemed to be matched.

Or so she thought.

"_Caroline, come back up here," breathing hard, finding herself close to the brink._

_Caroline, lost in bliss, ignored her, and continued to use her lips and tongue to heighten the good work started by her fingers. Kate twisted away from her._

"_No…Caroline…come back up here!" said with a trace of force._

"_Why?" Caroline perplexed, crawled her way back to Kate, "aren't you…enjoyi-"_

"_It's not that, it's…" Kate covered Caroline's mouth in a fierce kiss and then proceeded to turn the tables._

"_Kate?" Caroline pulled Kate's mouth off her nipple and made eye contact, "what's going on?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

_Eye brows raised, blue eyes challenged._

"_Nothing…well ….umm…I just need to have you…a bit more…at the moment," she started to kiss her again._

"_What the hell do you mean by that?" puzzled, not buying._

_Kate rolled her over onto her front and was working her way down the back of her body._

"_Kate…what do you mean?" insistent._

"_Shhh Caroline."_

_All sensible though wafted away from Caroline as Kate's magic fingers and tongue navigated their way across the curves and hollows of her body. _

_Later, after she had climaxed and Kate had drifted off to sleep, she was left to muse over the change in Kate's needs over the last couple of months. There was nothing to complain about because it was working greatly in her favour. The inequity was growing however, and though Kate was delivering in other areas, Caroline felt there was something amiss, but was not confident enough yet to pursue it._

"An embarrassing fumble," Caroline felt her gut knot, "Holy Christ…was that what she was trying to tell me!" Hot tears flooded into her eyes as the shock of the realisation hit her. It still didn't make sense. There was no congruency. The words didn't match the action. Her heart though, couldn't tell the difference. It was blind - it seemed - to all things Kate.

"Enough…enough…enough!" She declared as she stood up, frightening the bird further up the tree, she ran her hands through her hair, "I'm just going in circles here…this is making me crazy!"

Caroline allowed the tears to spill as a familiar sense of resignation crept up through her body, making itself at home. Her old friend, her protector. If she let it settle, she'd be able to close and lock that door. Again.

_I'm no good at this. It's just not worth it, _she looked at the quarter moon rising on the horizon, _I can't keep this many balls in the air._

Something invisible tightened in the pit of her being. She released a large sigh.

As she started back towards the hotel she laughed bitterly at the irony of her earlier courage in asking for a double room.

_She had felt unexpectedly conflicted as they walked up the path to the hotel. On the drive there she had felt the familiar gnawing anxiety about being judged as a lesbian, but this time she felt it being overshadowed by the growing excitement of being with Kate, exclusively, for the whole weekend, which she found gave her courage. _

_As she'd shut the door of her room she began to realise just how ridiculous the situation was. Not only had she felt silly downstairs but she already missed Kate, and was, inevitably ruining the whole point of the weekend, entirely. The reality of the experience - of publically being with Kate - up to that point, at least, had proven to be removed from the fearful scenario she had painted in her imagination._

_Caroline kicked herself for not being able to find her voice as they'd checked in. Her newly found courage, though, had quickly deserted her as she had found herself in a double bind. She would have had to deal with Kate's reaction to her earlier slip-up, and ask to change to a double room, at the same time. In front of an audience. A task, which in that moment was beyond her._

'_Sod it.' Caroline took a deep breath, grabbed her purse and phone and headed downstairs. _

"_Hi…I'm sorry to be a bit of a pain,'' she said holding on the counter for support and to hide the tremor in her hands "I'm in room 25…and I…I was wondering if…umm…could I change...umm change my room," deep inhalation._

"_Is there something wrong with your room ma'am?" The earlier woman had been replaced by a thirty something man._

"_No…no…no umm that's not it…I arhh…" 'get a grip Caroline just ask,' big breath, "I should have…umm…booked a double room…with umm but I…um," the words stick in her throat._

"_Arhhh," knowingly the man nodded and touched Caroline's hand as he caught the gist of what she was trying to say, "please," he held his hand up to stop her tripping any further in the soup of her words._

"_I'm Michael, I am the manager here," he said smiling kindly, as he turned to the computer, "and that won't be a problem."_

"_Thank you." She felt her legs again._

"_So Ms Elliot," he said quietly without looking at her, "and the other party would be?"_

_Caroline swallowed, and as she was about to say Kate's name, she unexpectedly, felt a rush of exhilaration spread through her, "Kate McKenzie…room 24."_

"_Please bear with me…this might take a few minutes to sort ma'am."_

"Genius move Elliot…ten out ten for that one," her stomach tightened a bit more as she headed down the road.

.

ooooXoooo

.

"This one gives you a better idea of what she looks like," Kate held her phone to Greg.

A whistle. "Wow…Kate…she's gorgeous…Christ you certainly know how to pick them."

"Just don't know how to keep 'em, boom boom!'" said Kate gazing out the window as they drive down the main street. Greg had checked his Sat-Nav and they decided to do a rough grid pattern of the main streets.

"So how long have you two been an 'item,'" said Greg, gesticulating playfully with his index fingers.

"This weekend is our 10 month anniversary."

"Geez…you kept quiet about it for long enough."

"Yeah well ...given the circumstances…for both of us," Kate shrugged her shoulders.

"Is she really not out?"

"Yeah."

"How come…is it such a big deal now?" inquired Greg.

Kate looked across at Greg. "For some people it is."

"Did you find it hard when you did?"

"No, not really, but then I was a lot younger when I did, and I had Mum and Dad's support…well, they were a bit shocked to start with but after that they were cool…I don't know, I guess I just moved in a different world to the one that Caroline lived in. Like I had a number of gay and lesbian friends…maybe I gravitated towards them…I don't know… I never felt rejected, whereas, I don't think Caroline ever felt accepted."

"So it's never been an issue for you?"

"Arhh…I wouldn't say that…I've had my moments, but, that was more about choosing who, or, what I was, rather than something that someone else had put on me or done to me. But you get that, and so I don't generally hang around environments that are homophobic or unfriendly, so, I guess, I use that as a bit of a protective mechanism."

"Do you know I've probably had more issues with the colour of my skin, to be honest," finished Kate.

"So, she has never been in a lesbian relationship before?"

"No not really…geeze she got married quite young so that settled things for her."

"Until the hot sexy Nigerian turned up, showing a bit of leg and cleavage," teased Greg, "God, the poor girl didn't stand a chance!"

Kate leant over and punched him on the arm.

"Is this the street we're going to turn up, or do I keep going straight," Greg slowed the car down and looked at Kate for direction.

The words hung in the air for a split second. Kate was the first one to laugh. They laughed so hard that Greg needed to pull over and stop.

It was almost exaggerated, but it was sweet, and it was bitter, and it brought with it, relief.

"If you go straight," giggled Kate," it'll take us onto that outer road."

"OK."

"I'm not sure we're going to find her Greg," said Kate as she leant her head against the window. Remorse had started to settle in, "there are a lot of streets. Or she may be off the beaten track keeping to herself…which is more likely what Caroline would do."

"Mmm…Ok, so let's just drive for a bit longer…you never know."

Kate tried Caroline's phone again. She stared at the photo of Caroline next to her number. She looked adorable, blue eyes sparkling. She'd laughed at something that Kate had said.

Kate looked out the window and smiled as she remembered when she knew she needed to pursue Caroline. It had almost become unbearable, not to.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 7**

Kate tried Caroline's phone again. She stared at the photo of Caroline next to her number. She looked adorable, blue eyes sparkling. She'd laughed at something that Kate had said.

Kate looked out the window and smiled as she remembered the moment that she knew she needed to pursue Caroline. It had almost become unbearable, not to.

ooooXoooo

_Kate, despite long and frank conversations with herself, and her sister Janice, found that she could not resist the pull of Caroline. _

"_You've told me to wack you on the head with a large bat," stated Janice, as she stared at Kate, "if you ever went near any unsuitable women again Kate!" Janice giggled as Kate tried to grasp the foam bat from her hand, "so I am...no married…no straight acting…no closeted…no bi-curious 40 something's…no non lesbians…no stuffy head teachers," she wacked at Kate with each one._

_They finally fell onto the floor of Kate's lounge room, in fits of laughter, as they wrestled over the bat. _

_Kate sat against the couch to catch her breath, Janice rested her head on her lap._

"_What's changed…you told me last month that she was trouble with a capital T?"_

"_Well, I think…she is interested in me," Kate said with furrowed brow, and more than a tiny measure of delight._

"_Really? How do you know that?_

"_Oh God I don't know…how do you ever know these things?"_

"_A look…a touch…a word…what she doesn't say…a lingering, after a conversation…an awkwardness…gosh Kate, the list goes on."_

_Kate lost in thought, stared out the window. 'It's of all those things.'_

_Janice poked her in the side, "Earth to Kate…can you hear me?"_

_Kate looked down at her. "It's all of those things and more," she said softly, smiling._

"_But you don't know if she's lesbian?"_

"_No…no I don't."_

"_So?"_

"_So…it's not up to me to make the first move then…I don't think."_

"_Why not…how else will you find out?"_

"_I don't want to put my foot in it…she is my boss, after all!"_

"_True…I keep forgetting that bit."_

"_She's definitely…umm coming on to me though…I'm pretty sure I know how to…to...guess that…to figure that out."_

"_So…ask her."_

_Kate spluttered, "Yes sure…excuse me Caroline…boss…just wondering whether you've changed your sexual orientation and would like to go on a date?"_

"_Would you fancy trying a bit of skirt for a change? Could work better?" Janice added in as they rolled with laughter._

"_Are you coming on to her?" Nice and direct._

"_I'm…arhh…trying my best not to."_

"_How is that working for you?"_

"_I'm not sure it is…I'm hopeless near her," Kate shut her eyes and took a deep breath, her body softened at the thought of them in the board room. Caroline holding onto her. Needing her. Breathing into her neck. The warmth of her body. _

_A shiver of desire travelled down the length of her spine._

"_And I'm getting worse."_

_Janice turned her head to look into Kate's face. "I can see that."_

"_I can't seem to stop thinking about her Janice," explained Kate, "and there's this crazy energy thing that's happening to me…to my body"_

"_Like what?"_

"_Arhh…it's hard to put into words," Kate started to play with Janice's' hair, "I'm soothed when I'm near her…our energy gels well together and it's like it's easy…almost like we've done this a hundred times before and if she touches me it's like…like an energy goes through my body," Kate paused hearing herself, "God…now I'm rambling."_

_Janice looked up, love shining in her eyes._

"_And then there's…"Kate coughed, "and sexually...well…"_

"_What?" begged Janice as she sat up, "come, spill the beans Kate…tell your big sister."_

"_Well let's just say," chuckled Kate lifting her eye brows, "that one has had to greatly increase certain solo activities…in order…to keep one from going barking mad."_

"_Eewe!...too much information," squirmed Janice, blocking her ears._

"_Well you did ask," retorted Kate. _

_There was a comfortable silence as they both thought about Kate's situation._

"_Seriously though Janice, I've not felt like this …since… since," her eyes started shining as tears made their way in._

_Janice pulled Kate toward her and folded her in her arms._

"_Ohh Katie," Janice blinked as her own tears surfaced, "ooh baby, that must be a bit scary for you then," she kissed Kate's hair._

"_It's hard because….it's like I want her so bad it hurts," said in a smaller quiet voice, " and I'm scared of what being with her could mean," she wiped her eyes, " to me...you know….if it…" Kate couldn't finish and buried her head into Janice's neck._

_The moments passed and her grief lifted._

_Janice held Kate's face and looked gently into her soft brown eyes. "Would you swap not knowing Joanne… for the 7 years that you were together…that you had?"_

_Kate wiped at more tears then shook her head. "No…no I wouldn't," she breathed in. Remembering, then smiled, "no I wouldn't…I wouldn't swap a day."_

"_Then there's your answer sweetheart." _

"_I'm going to put the kettle on," Janice planted a tender kiss on Kate's forehead then stood. She reached down to Kate, pulling her to her feet." Why don't you call her? Make a date. 'Seize The Day,'" she laughed as she made a fist above her head as she walked to the kitchen._

_Kate followed her. "You know…right now I almost would," she turned her palms over, "but I don't have her phone number. Can you believe after all this…in this modern age. I frick'n well don't have her number…and it's not like there's anyone I can ask for it now, is there?"_

"_Well Inspector Poirot…you need to get to work darlin,'" advised Janice as they embraced for a lovely warm hug._

"_I love you," Kate kissed her cheek._

"_And don't you forget it."_

_._

_ooooXoooo_

_._

**_A further flashback: following the above... _**

**_._**

_Kate put the laptop on the table, proceeded to open it and find a website._

"_The others will be here any minute now, so if you could pull up a photo of the banner that you're talking about, we'll get everyone's opinion, then you'll be able to order them ready for tomorrow night," Caroline said as she moved from her desk to stand next to Kate._

"_Well there were three companies that had what we're after, but only one of them is from around here…so I checked that out, and not only have they got what we want, but their prices are competitive too," she felt Caroline's warmth._

"_That's lucky." Caroline stared at Kate's hands, one resting, palm down, softly next to the laptop and one gracefully working the mouse with precision. Her heart rate increased._

"_How many do you think we'll need, Caroline?" She loved to say her name. _

"_Mm…I'm not really sure, Tracy will know…I think she was doing all the measuring up etc."_

"_So this is them," Kate maximised the photos, "sorry they're a bit small," she moved to the right, but not too far, so that Caroline could lean in. She waited. Her heart rate increased. _

_Caroline was mesmerised by Kate's left hand, it was one thing that she did notice, even dreamt about. These beautiful strong hands. She knew she needed to touch it. To offer a sign. Her heart was in her mouth. Threatening to jump out._

_Kate felt the nearness of her. Time was slowing down. Knowing that the first move was not hers to make, she waited. She wanted to quieten the thunderous beat of her heart so as not to startle Caroline._

_The sheer weight of Caroline's want courageously overrode her hesitation and fear. She gently placed her right hand over Kate's left. She was stunned by the perfection of the moment. She held her breath. She waited._

_Kate shut her eyes and drew in the exquisiteness of the action. Slowly she spread her fingers out, allowing Caroline's to fall between._

_They curled their fingers under. Together. As one, in a silent welcome of each other, to each other. _

_Deliverance._

_Kate lifted her head to Caroline. They tilted towards each other. Their eyes searched each other for that final ok. Lips parted. Breath uneven. Heartbeats rapid._

"_Just go straight in Tom, Caroline's expecting you," Beverly's voice, from the outer office, broke through their consciousness._

_No alarm. Eyes held for a moment longer. A commitment made._

"_You can get them in a variety of colours and sizes Caroline," picked up Kate, modern languages teacher._

"_And you say that's a local firm," picked up Caroline, Head Teacher, as she moved around the table to her chair at the head of it._

"_Good afternoon Caroline, Kate," greeted Tom._

"_Yes, it is local, hi Tom, what do you reckon? These are the banners that we are looking at to go across the front of the stage for the orchestra comp tomorrow night," invited Kate._

_Other staff members filed into the room._

_Seamless…covert…loaded._

_30 minutes passed._

_Caroline closed the meeting a little early so that she could get across town to another one. _

"_Thank you all for your wonderful efforts in pulling this together, hopefully after tomorrow night, we will once again have the number one school orchestra in this district."  
><em>

_Everyone clapped and agreed with her, then made their way out of her office._

"_Kate have you got time to go over the travel schedule with me now?" asked Carmen from the admin team._

"_Sure have." _

_As Kate passed Caroline she dropped a handwritten note on the folder in front of her. Then raced to catch up with Carmen._

'_Yes - Willingly – 0438 0032 132'_


	8. Chapter 8

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 8**

As Caroline made her way down the hill through the lovely winding streets, she felt the familiar feeling of her protective layer, as it settled back over her. It gave her strength and some hope that no matter what, she would survive this. She always did. She'd had forty six years with a master teacher.

"Caroline is that you?" shouted an elderly woman from across the road.

Caroline stopped in her tracks and looked in the direction of the voice which was making its way across the road towards her.

"My God, it is you Caroline…how lovely to see you," said the women laughing as she took off her rag hat. "Now you might be able to recognise me…its Rachael Greer."

"Hi, Rachael…now I recognise you," Caroline finally caught up with the moment, "sorry but it was a bit hard to see you under that hat." Caroline was a little embarrassed not to have recognised Rachael sooner. They had spent 5 years working together at Sulgrave Heath where Rachael had been the minister long before Caroline took over as Head Teacher. She had been an enormous support for Caroline as she, the first woman Head Teacher, transitioned into the role. Whilst they were not best friends they had enjoyed each other's company and shared a love of knowledge and a passion for excellence in education. Caroline had dearly missed Rachael's presence when she retired fifteen months ago.

The two women hugged warmly.

"It's lovely to see you too…is this where you live?" said Caroline as she pointed to a charming bluestone cottage that was nestled in the street, behind the car that Rachael had emerged from.

"Yes this is the house we moved to from Sulgrave," Rachael still had hold of Caroline's hand, "incredibly it's the first house that Don and I have bought and we love it. We've always had to live in the house that the church provided."

"Yes, I guess you have," said Caroline.

"Do you have time to come in and have a cuppa, or perhaps something a little stronger?" asked Rachael finally letting go of Caroline's hand.

"Gosh I'd love to, but I've been out walking a bit too long I think," Caroline said apologetically.

"Are you here with John and the boys?"

"Arhh. No…umm...no I'm not…I'm…" Caroline was caught off guard, "I umm…" She looked up searching for an answer.

Rachael took her hand again, and squeezed it gently. "Its ok Caroline…you don't have to explain…it's just me being nosey," she said wrinkling up her nose as she looked kindly into Caroline's eyes.

Caroline still on the edge of vulnerability. Softened a little more, by the gentle touch of Rachael's hand and eyes, felt the ground shake again and before she could pull away the tears were there. Rachael held on tighter to her hand now and led her towards a bench on the front porch.

There they sat wordlessly. Caroline, with her head in her hands as she cried softly, almost silently, and Rachael who maintained contact by placing her hand on the middle of Caroline's back.

Don appeared at the door to see where Rachael had gotten. After a bit of mutual sign language and head nodding he disappeared and returned with a box of tissues.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry," Caroline took a deep breath, "I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment," she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"I've had quite a year, Rachael," she dabbed a few more tears away.

Rachael leant forward so she could get a better look at Caroline's face. She gently rubbed her back.

"John's gone…he left…me…for another woman, whom he'd been having an affair with for quite some time, it appears. That was at the beginning of the year. Then that didn't work so he came back…but that didn't…I couldn't. Anyway he was still seeing this other woman…so it's umm…it's done now," Caroline said quickly.

"And the boys…how are Lawrence and William handling this change? "asked Rachael softly.

"William is fine, I think he was just glad it was over. Lawrence, well, not so good, but he is settling down now, I think," Caroline shut her eyes as another wave of sadness passed through her. "You know I can deal with whatever it is that he has done to me, but I can feel quite angry about the way that he has treated the boys."

"What about you Caroline, still looking out for everyone but yourself?"

Caroline let out a small ironic laugh as Kate's words echo in her ear _"so try growing up Caroline…it's not always about you"_. Another wave of pain started. Caroline held a wad of tissues to her eyes. _Good God Caroline, get a grip_.

Don appeared with a tray of tea, "here you go girls…I thought a cup of tea might help."

"Thank you sweetheart," Rachael reached for the tray and put it on the bench next to her.

Caroline gathered herself together, "Thanks Don…I hope you don't have too many distraught women taking over your front porch …ruining your evenings?"

Caroline took advantage of Don's interruption to wrestle her grief and pain back into its hidey-hole. She took hold of Rachael's hand, squeezed it mouthing, "thanks."

"No love…not too many…now that Racheal's retired from the ministry…just the odd blonde traveller," he winked and smiled at Caroline.

They all laughed.

"This is a lovely little cottage you've got here…has it taken much work to bring it up to this or is this how you found it?" said Caroline gaining strength and control.

They chatted on for another 10 minutes or so.

"Well I'd better be off…thank you so much for the tea."

"Let me give you a lift back to the hotel Caroline?"

"Thanks…if it's all the same to you Rachael…I need the walk."

"Are you sure?"

Caroline smiled kindly at them both, "Yep…there's still a bit of light."

Rachael reached in the front door and grabbed a business card, "This is my number…if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, Caroline."

Caroline hugged them both. "Thank you once again. It's lovely here. I'm glad you stopped me to say hello, Rachael."

As she made her way down the hill she wondered whether she should text Kate, as she'd been gone for some time. Feeling through her pockets, she realised that she didn't have her phone. She smiled wryly as she remembered that she and her phone were an odd couple. That without the help of the boys and other techno-heads she'd still be relying on landlines and pigeons. Even Kate had a better grasp on its bountiful uses and was often roped in to rescuing the day for her.

.

ooooXoooo

.

_Kate was very conscious of Caroline's movements. She saw her arrive in the hall. Watched as she was introduced to all the important people. Her heart quickened, she looked beautiful, confident and interested in what the others were saying. She was so good at her job, the consummate professional. The peacock blue of her scarf was electrifying her eyes, so that even at 90 feet to the other side of the hall, Kate could see them sparkle. _

_Kate had arrived 60 minutes earlier on the bus with the orchestra and a handful of other teachers. She'd volunteered to help out with the competition. She loved music and even though choirs were more her thing Kate still enjoyed the endeavour of trying to make 40 children with instruments sound harmonious to the ear. _

_She stood there unsettled, swamped in a mixture of love, rejection, anticipation, anger and fear. She had spent the last twenty four hours willing her phone to deliver her a sign that Caroline wanted her. But there'd been, hour after hour, of nothing …zip…zero… well not from her anyway…not even the smallest of texts._

"_Am I a complete idiot?"_

_She ran her hand through her hair feeling tired and drained after a long day and not much rest last night._

_Sleep hadn't come easily. She'd spent a greater part of the night engaged in mental gymnastics. Kate had thought of every possible scenario, and the only reasonable conclusion, she could come to, was that either a bus or aliens had taken Caroline out….why else would she not have called or texted. In defiance she turned her phone off, punched her pillow, turned over and started to recall the words to Carmina Burana's O Fortuna. "O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis….."_

_Caroline made her way to the front of the hall to take her seat with the other Heads of School. She looked like she was scanning for something or someone. She stood at her seat nodding and acknowledging different people as she took in the hall. _

_Kate's heart skipped because she suddenly knew that Caroline was looking…for her. She hesitated, then gamely stepped forward drawing Caroline's eyes to her. The relief was mutual and immediate. They both breathed…smiled…connected. It only took three seconds but it calmed a whole day._

_Kate found her seat as the lights of the hall went down, grateful for the darkness so that she wouldn't have to explain the goofy grin she was wearing. _

_Seamless…covert…affirming._

_oooooooo_

"_Hi you"_

"_Hi"_

_They stood away from the light of the backstage door, like a couple of the teenagers, that they were surrounded by, looking everywhere but at each other. _

"_Kate…I umm..."Caroline held up her phone to Kate, "I haven't had a chance or know how to put your number in…so could you please…it felt a bit awkward to ask someone else," she offered Kate the phone._

"_Sure…if that's what you want."_

"_Ooh… I want!" Caroline caught Kate's eye, then moving closer put her hand on Kate's forearm, "willingly," she said shyly but firmly next to Kate's ear._

_A jolt of pure sexual energy encompassed them, spreading rapidly from the tip of their fingers, to the core of their centres._

_Kate inhaled sharply. "Caroline…when?" _

"_God, I don't know…I've got a regional districts seminar all tomorrow," she stood back trying to look casual, "then the boys tomorrow night," she looked at Kate searing eyes, then quickly away, surprised by the power of them._

_Kate finished with the phone and gave it back to Caroline._

"_Call me? "Kate said urgently. _

"_I will," Caroline tried to grasp the context of Kate's meaning._

"_No…I mean now? "desperate to have Caroline's number, Kate held up her own phone," so that I have your number"_

"_Uh…sure," Caroline dialled._

"_Dr Elliot," called Don Brennen, the newest board member, "whenever you're ready…Mrs Keen and I will be around the front waiting…no hurry though…I think she's got a bit more networking to do," he said raising his eyebrows as he moved away._

"_Thanks Don."_

_Kate trying not to sound too eager, "Caroline…when?"_

"_It'll have to be Saturday around lunch time Kate," reasoned Caroline, "Mum's away and John doesn't have the boys until Saturday afternoon. I'm sorry…I'm sorry" she shook her head "I'm not free until then." Her shoulders dipped._

"_No…no look Caroline, that's fine," said Kate trying hard not to stare at her beautiful face. To remember where they were, "lunch is good…do you want to eat out or," eye brow up ever hopeful, "at mine."_

_Caroline leant over and whispered next to Kate's ear, "Yours…I think."_

"_Kate…there you are…oh and Dr Elliot…we've been looking for you." said Mike Ewing, the teacher responsible for the orchestra._

"_Well now you've found me."_

"_The second bus has broken down, so we'll need to rejig and double up with the parents and staff to get everyone home."_

"_I'm happy to help you with that…who else do we need Mike?" said the Head Teacher keen to organise. _

_The three of them headed off towards the carpark and the mayhem._


	9. Chapter 9

**oo**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 9 **

"_Right...well I think that's it then isn't it Mike?" Caroline looked at him for confirmation._

_Mike looked around at the remaining vehicles and people, taking an inventory, "So all the kids are either on the second bus or in private vehicles, and all the instrument except for the drums, double base and cellos - which we'll come back for tomorrow - are in the hands of the players or in the vehicles of the remaining staff." He looked at those standing around him for corroboration and got the thumbs up._

"_Good work Mike. OK, lets head for home. Has everyone got a ride?" asked Caroline._

"_I think we will have to squeeze one more in with us Dr Elliot," said Don, "as the Mitchell's car is pretty loaded. So, does anyone else live on my side of Harrogate?"_

_He looked around the gathering._

"_I live about 5 minutes from Dr Elliot," Kate stepped forward, not looking at Caroline._

"_That's perfect then," chimed in Mike, "thanks for your patience everyone," looking at Caroline for the nod, which he got, "that's it…lets go."_

_Caroline and Kate walked with Don to his 4x4. Mrs Keen was already settled in the front, dozing._

"_It's going to be a bit of a squeeze, I'm afraid ladies, you're sharing the back seat with four violins and a tuba," apologised Don, opening the door behind the driver's seat._

"_I'm sure we'll manage, nothing wrong with a bit of cosy," Caroline gestured to Kate to hop in first, "isn't that right Ms McKenzie?"_

_Kate slid over as far as she could go, moving one of the violins to under her feet. She needed to move forward to let Caroline fit between her and the door._

"_Yep…I'm good Don," indicated Caroline, and he closed the door allowing her to settle back against the seat and the door frame._

_The evening light enveloped Kate and Caroline, separating them from the front of the car._

_Mrs Keen had roused from her nap, and felt the need to bring them all up to speed on her take of the evening, and the virtues of inter-school competitions._

_Kate, because her forward position, and need to come up with a strategy to deal with Caroline's proximity, was willingly drawn into the conversation. Despite Mrs Keen's best efforts to include Caroline, she could see that the Head Teacher was not really within listening range. _

_Caroline, with her desire for Kate already loudly ringing a few bells, rested against the back of the seat very mindful of Kate's body so near to her. It was going to be an agonising fifty minutes home she thought as she laid her head back and took in the sight of Kate as she talked animatedly to Don and Mrs Keen. _

_As they reached the outskirts of town the brightness of the streetlights faded and they found themselves in relative darkness. Kate knew that she wasn't going to be able to sit forward for the entire journey for two reasons. The first being that it looked awkward, like she was avoiding Caroline, and secondly it was far too uncomfortable. The loaded silence from behind, indicated to Kate, that Caroline too, had a dilemma with their situation._

_Kate laughed to herself, 'What a difference twenty four hours can make…last night I couldn't make contact with you for love nor money,' she thought as she stared appreciatively at Caroline's sexy legs, feet and three inch black heels. She needed to clasp her hands together between her knees, so that she didn't reach out and stroke them. _

"_Would it be OK if I put some music on?" Don looked over his shoulder to Kate who looked at Caroline then back and nodded. Mrs Keen, worn out, had drifted off to sleep again._

"_Any preference?" he asked._

"_No Don…whatever you like."_

"_Righto then…let me know if it's not to your taste," he programmed his phone and the beautiful timbre of Ludovico Einaudi's piano filled the entire vehicle._

_Kate used this distraction as the lever to move herself back on the seat. Every inch brought with it a corresponding increase in the butterfly movement in her stomach._

_Caroline leant forward. "Kate?"_

_Kate turned and looked at her. Their senses heightened._

_Caroline touched her left shoulder inviting Kate to rest back against it._

_The invitation had a hundred parts to it…all written over the course of the last couple of months._

_Kate, eyebrows up, held Caroline's eyes "are you sure?" said wordlessly. _

_Caroline nodded._

_They both inhaled quickly as a sweep of charged air passed over them. _

_Intuitively they knew they were crossing a line. _

_Caught…inevitable…overdue._

_The space in between them engaged._

_Kate relaxed back into Caroline's welcoming body. She felt the tension go out of her lower back and stomach, but the butterflies moved to her chest._

_Caroline closed her eyes and felt herself drift into a slightly meditative state, helped by the steady rhythm of the car, the haunting beauty of the music and the darkness._

_In that darkness, and in that quiet inner state, Caroline began to feel the energy that was Kate seep across…pulling at her gently…shaking dormant cells. It weaved a thread that started in her chest and spiralled ever so slowly down. It felt so electrifying. Her breath deepened. Her grip on control was weakening._

_Kate, eyes closed, was replaying parts of the last French class she'd taught, in an attempt to quell the captivating essence that was Caroline. She felt it in just about every fibre of her body. It was thrilling, and it was moving, and she wanted to let it go. Her grip on control was slender._

_A bump in the road settled Kate further into Caroline._

_A tiny groan from Caroline pierced Kate's realm, and sent a rocket of desire straight to her core bypassing all reasonable checkpoints._

_Restraint disappeared into the night._

_Kate breathed in. Caroline breathed out._

_Kate breathed out. Caroline breathed in._

_Deeper…longer…jagged._

_Synchronicity prevailed._

_Kate moved her hips back further into the seat…further into Caroline's left thigh. Her hands were still wedged between her knees…hot, damp and restless. Her ache was amassing the troops._

_Caroline's desire swung between proper and feral, prim and casual, tidy and chaotic with a pace that was outstripping her capacity to think. The thread had reached its inverted apex and had claimed her as a willing companion. No more judgments…all known protocol had been breached. _

_The night, the music, and the road worked in tandem with an ordered rhythm that colluded with the gaining momentum of their hunger, turning it into an experience that neither woman had ever had._

_Their breathing aligned._

_Urgent…burning…precarious…inescapable._

_Kate was nearing the edge, her breath shortened, her back straightened, the coloured lights behind her closed eyes, intensified. _

_She waited for Caroline. _

_She wanted to do this collectively. Then she wavered._

"_Caroline," she whispered desperately into the darkness._

_Caroline slid her arm behind Kate's back, placed her hand on her bare forearm, and pulled her even closer. _

_Kate stifled a groan. _

_Her heart and body were shouting "JUMP!"_

_Caroline, forehead embedded in Kate's hair, hardly able to contain herself any longer, emitted a long, slow, lustful, moan against Kate's neck._

_Kate's target was reached…the troops stormed her centre._

"_Uhhh Caroline…ughh…ughh!" Kate slapped her hand over her mouth to stifle the sound, pushing it back down her throat and out through her chest. _

_She tumbled forcefully….back arching…legs stiffening…silently….irrevocably into Caroline._

_After a long moment, as the shuddering waned, she took a deep, steadying, breath._

_The momentum paused….to collect Kate._

_Caroline, herself, on the precipice of an unknown abyss, faltered._

"_Breathe with me Caroline," whispered through lips resting against her ear._

_In…out…in…out._

_Caroline matched Kate's breath and searched desperately within, for the catalyst that would release the thread._

_Unexpectedly it came from without._

_Kate put her hand on Caroline's thigh._

_Moved it up._

_And in._

_And against._

_Caroline cried out a strangled moan as she grasped Kate's hand, pushing it further into herself and over the line of no return. She slammed into Kate's strong arm as her body contorted, contracted and conceded._

"_Kate…ughh K-a-a-te…Christ Kate…Ohhh lord," smothered and murmured, between breaths, into the space in between and Kate's shoulder._

_Seamless…covert…imprinted._


	10. Chapter 10

**oo**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 10**

Greg leant back on the bonnet of the car next to Kate. They'd stopped at the outlook on the top of the hill in the middle of town.

"It's a lovely time of the day…isn't it?"

"Yes," agreed Kate, as she turned to look at the rising moon.

"I'm thinking that she'd be heading back to the hotel by now…it's getting darker."

"You're probably right," said Greg.

"I hope so."

The shimmer of the street lights below started to became more visible as the evening gradually faded towards night.

"Up to today we've never even had an argument," Kate shrugged one shoulder, "oh… we may have had a few snippy words or a bit of attitude…but no real disagreements."

She looked at Greg.

"And really we didn't even argue today," her eyes reflected her sadness, "I just shot her down with my acid tongue…didn't give her a chance. Richard taught me how to do that." Kate shook her head, "No, that's not fair, he just enhanced it. I think I really learnt it from Dad."

She looked back at the moon.

"He would just take it, and take it, never saying anything to his boss, or the bastards, that made the trouble. Then every so often one of us would…I don't know…say or do something that would cause him to go off his face. It wasn't often, but it was never pretty," she paused shaking her head. She examined her shoes, as one foot moved a small rock around.

"It always frightened Janice and I, because he made it so personal. Like he'd been storing up all the shitty things we did, or mistakes we'd made. Then he'd disappear into himself for weeks…even from mum. She used to just shrug her shoulders and get on with it…ignore him…but we never felt easy, until he'd come around again. Then it would go back to normal."

Greg had broken off a stalk of long grass and was inspecting its details. He glanced reassuringly at Kate from time to time.

"As I got older I used to wonder what caused it, as you know, it is so not like him," she gave a big sigh as she reached down and picked up the rock she'd been moving around.

"Now… I'm him...the acid tongue queen," she scoffed bitterly, as she played with the rock in her hand, "Richard could almost match me…but I generally started the fire. In the end, I guess neither of us knew how to put it out."

She threw the rock over the embankment.

"I should have seen this coming."

"Why?"

"Well, I almost let fly a couple of months ago, after Celia, Caroline's mum, spat her homophobic vitriol over us."

"You were going to have a go at Celia?"

Kate sniffed out a mocking laugh, "No Caroline."

Greg looked puzzled.

"Crazy huh…I told you how her family found out about us didn't I?"

"Yeah, the cheating husband."

"So then, Caroline put on a dinner to introduce me to Celia and Alan - I told you about him - we'd already dealt with the boys, anyway it seemed that Celia couldn't even get past the entree without choking on her own bile, and Caroline called her on it."

"What, at the table, in front of everyone?"

"No…they went to another room, which, actually didn't make a difference because we heard every word they said…anyway to cut a long story short, I blamed Caroline."

"For what?"

"Not defending me. Us."

"Ohh."

"But here's the thing Greg…she did. Given that Caroline was still rattled by John's outing her, she did in a way, defend us, me. She'd never had to do that before. And Celia was twisting her words, God she's a real piece of work Greg. And what did I do?" Kate threw her hands up in the air, "Got up and ran out of the house leaving her to it! After I'd just finished saying how bomb proof, fire proof I was."

She folded her arms tightly across her chest and kicked at the ground. "Then when Caroline came and found me waiting for the taxi…apologising for Celia's behaviour, I did what Celia did, I twisted her words and made her feel like shit!" Her voice was harsh and full of regret.

She picked up another rock and flung it with meaning, like she was aiming for a target.

"Had we not been standing outside, had we been somewhere private…I think I would have been worse. While I was waiting, before she'd come, I'd made a list, of all the things she wasn't getting right, of all the times I'd felt hurt by her. All this bullshit where I'd felt I'd been wronged," she shook her head angrily, "Just waiting to pounce. But I didn't, instead I went home and wrote out my resignation, just to prove my point," she hissed out, as she ran her hands through her hair.

Kate took a deep breath and looked at Greg "And then I stowed it away for another day," tears welled up quickly, "like father like daughter."

Greg pulled her into a hug.

"I've known you, for a mighty long time girl and I know that this is such a tiny part of who you are. So stop beating yourself up. Christ we all have a side like that…that we are not proud of, and make a right arse of ourselves from time to time. I'm sure that Caroline wouldn't be able to cast the first stone either."

"Well, I hate it."

"So do something about it!"

"I nearly did after the dinner episode," Kate stepped back from his arms and wiped her eyes, "Yeah…I do need to deal with it, don't I?"

"Can I be blunt?"

Kate frowned at him then nodded.

"You need to speak up…you don't tell people what _you_ want…not the personal stuff anyway," he said as he shook his head, "which is ironic, because in most other areas, it's hard to shut you up, sometimes, and you absolutely know what you want! So…yes, maybe getting some help to figure out what's stopping you would be good," Greg shrugged his shoulders and turned his palms up, "for what it's worth…just saying?"

"Hmm…you could be right…you so often are, aren't you _professor?"_ said Kate as she took a shot at his university nick name, digging her fingers into his ribs. They wrestled briefly, basking in the warmth of their friendship.

"Am I right also in guessing," Greg ventured, as they leant back against the bonnet, "that you are a gonner, hook, line and sinker, for the lovely doctor that's wandering around this fair town…my friend?" He turned to Kate with one eyebrow raised and a large smile on his face.

"Yep." She kicked at the ground with the toe of left shoe.

"Does she know?"

"Well right now… she'd definitely not have that impression."

"Have you told her?"

"Well…no…we kind of skirt around that…bit."

Kate was silent for a moment, then took a couple of deep breaths and moved away from the car and looked at Greg, her brown eyes pooling tears.

"I do love her Greg," she said with tenderness, "gosh, that's the first time I've said that out loud," she quickly covered her mouth with a couple of fingers, as though she was shy of the admission, "I do love Caroline and I have for some time…and I am scared by it." She sat back against the car.

"Yeah…I get that." He said quietly reaching over and squeezing her leg sympathetically.

She crossed her arms as she looked out over the town, protecting her heart.

"I know how big and life-changing this feels. And is." Kate turned back to Greg "I haven't wanted to tell her because, and I…I …I know this will sound daft…but I don't want to frighten her with…" Kate flailed her hands around in circles in front of her searching for the right words "…with how…big…my need for her is," she placed her hands on her chest patting it, "my need to feel again, what I felt with Jo," her voice small and soft, quivered, then broke, "because that's what I feel Greg…that's what this is like. That's what scares me. Am I strong enough to go there again…to risk it?"

The truth, once revealed, had strength attached to it. Kate took a deep breath and stood up straight.

"I know that she isn't Jo…and I don't want that. Caroline is different, but she has the same ability to see me. She has this…this uncanny way that she looks at me…like Jo used to. Like she's able to see right through me to my…you know… like…my soul," Greg reached out a hand to Kate as she started to cry, "it's like Caroline and I have done this a hundred times before…just like it was with Jo. God, I know that sounds a bit airy fairy, but…it's the only way I can explain it."

"No it doesn't…it sounds amazing Kate," Greg said calmly, "and I get that it would be risky. But I remember how you were with Jo," his smile was soft and loving, "and I'd love to see you like that again. The chances that you will ever have to go through, again, what you went through with Jo, are so remote, that they are non-existent, sweetie," her pulled her closer, "I would stake my life on that." He kissed her forehead.

"Yeah…I know." She sighed as she rested against him.

"I also think that there's an element of just being, shit scared," he grinned boldly as Kate pulled away, "like we all are when we start a new relationship." He placed his hand over his heart and thumped it loudly. "So…girl…you need to _man_ up and tell her," more seriously, "tell her how you feel…and tell about Joanne…it's time," he took her hand and squeezed it," she's in between you now." He squeezed her hand again, firmer this time, then let it go. Kate looked away.

"And if I could just add…I felt she was never really an issue with Richard, because…honestly…I was never convinced that you really loved him, in that way, so he was no competition. But this…this is different, I can tell just by looking at you that Caroline h-"

"I did love Richard." a little indignant.

"Like this?"

"Well…no…more of a…umm…"

"Exactly…more of a what Kate?" he coaxed.

"Well…umm…we had...there was…" she struggled to find the right words and was surprised by Greg's question. They'd never really talked about Richard like this, "we did love each on a level that was, good, well, at least at the start it w-"

"You were good friends Kate. Buddies…it never looked like more than that…to me," he tilted his head and looked at her with a creased forehead," sorry."

There was an awkward silence.

Kate walked to the edge of the embankment and looked out over the disappearing dusk. She took a couple of breaths to ground herself and finding another tissue in her pocket, blew her nose. She turned back to Greg.

"He was what I thought I needed, at the time. The idea of a man wasn't so foreign - I'd been down that road before - and I did want children. And it was love…just not enough or the right kind, maybe." she ran her hands through her hair and released a large sigh. "I was so tired of being on my own Greg, I think I was looking for a reprieve, and I thought I'd find that in a family." She turned away. Haunted by loss. She didn't want to open that trapdoor.

The implication of her words sat heavily. For a moment or two. Then drifted off into the evening.

Kate walked back to the car.

"Caroline's life is a bit chaotic at the moment," she wiped her eyes, "and I feel that I've already pushed her too far with the idea of wanting this baby…I should never have mentioned it, at least not now, not with all the family shit she has going on," she wiped her nose, "so I haven't told her because…because I don't want her running for the hills…just yet, Greg."

Greg looked at her with raised brows and a gentle smile.

"What?"

"I hear all that…but…"

"But what?" Kate huffed and raised her palms up, questioning him.

"What's it like…not knowing if she loves you Kate?...Her…not telling you?" he angled his head, holding his palms up, then making a point with his finger, "Caroline not having the courage to tell _you_ how _she_ feels," he held her sturdy gaze, "that she may well love _you_ above all others?" he finished. Then with a cheeky smile and a sway of his hips, "that _you_ are her special, one and only, hot and sexy lover?"

Kate, clamped down on a smile, she desperately wanted to say something, but could find no words. None. She felt the logic of her reasoning suddenly evaporate between them. She turned away from Greg.

Snookered.

"Come Ms McKenzie…I think you've got a message to give a lady before the night's out." Greg tapped her on the backside as he walked past.

They got back into the car and Kate checked her phone for the umpteenth time.

Nothing.

Caroline's photo was still on display. She gently touched the face with her fingers.

She checked a couple of texts that she'd received and as she was closing the screen she saw the text file for Caroline. She scrolled down until she found the saved text of the first message that Caroline had sent her.

"Kate, are you free this afternoon?"

It could still evoke the sensation of a gentle touch on that part of Kate, which hungered for it the most.

Kate closed her eyes and breathed into it.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 11**

_The sound of her name brought Caroline back into the room._

"_Caroline, I've got a call to make so I'm just scooting out for a bit" whispered Gavin._

_Caroline turned to him and nodded, not quite sure she'd heard what it was that he said. It didn't seem important. She once again became conscious of the speaker at the front of the room but only fleetingly. Caroline had struggled to pay attention to any of the talks and had only just got through her own presentation, by the skin of her teeth, and the fact that she had delivered it on a number of occasions. _

_There was only one thing, on a relentless loop, in her head, and that was Kate, and the events of the last two days. _

_The trip home the previous night had been unbelievable. Extraordinary. So much so that every now and then she felt like it had been a dream. It wasn't the kind of experience that you could easily file into known or expected activities. _

_It felt so surreal and this was compounded by the fact that she had been unable to really speak to Kate since then. _

_Kate's house had been the first drop-off point for Don. _

_There had been no time for any conversation or explanation. They'd leant against each other trying to catch their breath and comprehend the last 40 minutes. Besides, neither, could have found any words, to make any sense, anyway, of what had happened. Or explain the amazing effect that it had had on their bodies. They had just sat there touching and glowing._

_Caroline had walked in the door at home to be greeted by a sick and unhappy Lawrence, an exam-anxious William and a mother who kept prattling on about the benefits of Facebook. She'd taken a deep breath and headed for the kitchen and a large glass of red wine._

_._

_ooooXoooo_

_._

"_Hi"_

"_Kate…hi," relieved, "it's nice to hear your voice." Said so softly, that it was almost a whisper._

"_It's so good to hear your voice, too, Caroline."_

_It had been less than an hour since they'd parted._

_Silence._

"_I…I…don't know…um…what to say." Caroline said quietly. _

"_I…I am ah...um pretty speechless myself." _

_After another delicate pause. "Jesus Kate…what was…that?" again almost whispered._

"_I don't know…Caroline…but it was bloody amazing."_

"_Yes…well then…arhh …whatever it was um…I…I want… I…I'd like more of," Caroline managed to get out. Her voice heavy with desire._

"_I'm with you, Caroline." Her voice matching Caroline's. _

_Words failed them again._

_Their breathing became shallow. Nasal. _

_The space in between them was electric. _

"_And if I could have it now…that wouldn't be too soon," dared Kate._

"_Oh Kate…if there was some way that I could make that happen, I would." _

"_I know…I know" acknowledged Kate gently, "I know."_

"_I can't talk…sorry, I've got my hands full but…"_

"_I just needed to hear your voice."_

"_Yeah," Caroline agreed, softly, "I'm glad you called," she paused, "I was beginning to think that I'd um...ah,"_

"_Dreamt it," Kate filled in, "me too… though…I am kind of still feeling it…now…Caroline."_

"_Hmmmm…Kate," her voice was deep, almost a breathy moan," I know what you mean." _

"_Mum, Mum, I think Lawrence is going to throw up!" _

"_I'm coming," hand over the mouthpiece, "get him the bucket from the laundry."_

"_Kate…I ah…"_

"_It's ok Caroline."_

"_I'm …well…then…sorry, Kate, Lawrence is about throw up so I've got to go."_

"_Oh Caroline…poor you…until Saturday then?"_

"_Yeah…I'll call you tomorrow Kate…night night."_

"_Goodnight."_

"_Kate?" added hurriedly._

"_Yes," expectantly._

"_I...arh…just wanted to say th-"_

"_Mumm…it's happening!" shouted William, "come quickly."_

"_God, Sorry, I've got to go."_

_._

_ooooXoooo_

_._

_Caroline looked at her watch and rolled her eyes when she noticed that only 45 minutes had passed since they returned from the lunch break. There were two more sessions to get through. Sitting and listening were not Caroline's strong points, particularly when she was restless. She would rather be back at Sulgrave Heath being busy. _

"_God…I don't think I could put in another couple of hours" _

_She checked the program as Gavin returned._

"_Did I miss much?"_

_She shook her head._

_Caroline leant into Gavin. "These last two sessions are much more your area than mine Gavin, so, I might just scoot off if you don't mind…seeing that I was up half the night with the orchestra."_

"_Yes of course Caroline, I forgot about that….it's all sorted now is it?" he questioned._

"_Yes Mike's got it well in hand."_

"_No...then… you get along…I don't mind sitting the rest of this out."_

"_Thanks Gavin…I've got a ton of things to do."_

"_Caroline…why not just have the afternoon off…go do something nice for yourself," suggested Gavin._

"_Thanks Gavin but I have plenty to do. I've got the staff performance outcomes to organise-"_

_Gavin held his hand up. "Not another word Caroline…go…go do something nice for yourself, for a change," he flapped his hand shooing her away,"…go lie on a couch with a glass of wine or take a walk in a park, whatever, just take the afternoon off."_

_Caroline was about to argue with him when the dawn of a new possibility floated into sight, causing her to inhale sharply._

"_Right well then…are you sure?"_

_Gavin nodded._

_Caroline gathered her things together as her mind started to race and her body started to anticipate whatever this new turn of events could deliver._

_She sent a Text._

_Kate, are you free this afternoon?_

_Caroline started the Jeep and headed for home._

_Will be… by 2.00…why? _

_Will you be at yours at 2.30?_

_Can be…Caroline are you coming over?_

_Yep!_

_I'll be there._

_As Caroline turned into her drive she figured that she'd just have enough time to cook something for the boys' dinner, shower and get over to Kate's by 2.30. There'd be no room for dallying. Which suited her fine. Rushing was one way she could quell her ever-increasing excitement and the gnawing anxiety that had sprouted in her gut._

_._

_ooooXoooo_

_._

_The street outside Kate's was deserted, as Caroline pulled the Jeep up. _

"_You can do this," she kept repeating to herself, "just let Kate take charge…she'll know."_

'_Yes – Willingly'_

_Caroline's courage and urgency were at loggerheads with her fear of being exposed for her naïveté and her compulsion for Kate. _

_She sat in the car making exit plans for all eventualities._

_She sat in the car feeling consumed by a love that was bigger than the street._

_She sat in the car wanting to run._

_She sat in the car wanting to stop running._

"_It's ok Caroline…I've got you."_

_Caroline shut her eyes and counted backwards from ten, slowly. _

_There really was no going back now. She had already crossed the line from one world into the next. From nothingness into somethingness. From rejection to confession. She had cautiously acquiesced to the primal pull of the thread, too long denied. There may be no third chance._

_She took a deep lung expanding breath, opened the door, stepped out and ran up Kate's path before she could change her mind._

_Two more strong breaths. She pressed the bell._

_Kate opened the door. They stared at each other expectantly, nervously. Then Kate reached out for Caroline's hand and gently welcomed her inside. Wordlessly._

_In the hall, Caroline dropped her bag on the floor and took Kate's other hand, bringing them both to her breast, then to her lips. She was working up the courage to consent to all that she had disowned. Her heart raced dangerously. _

_Kate desperately tried to read Caroline. Her own anxiety and anticipation were competing for space. She followed their hands up to Caroline's lips then continued on to her eyes. _

_They paused._

_Both apprehensive._

_Caroline let go of Kate's hands and reached up and stroked her face so tentatively, so warily that her hands trembled. Her eyes searched madly for any sign of a contradiction. _

_Kate waited, allowing Caroline the liberty to initiate the kiss. It seemed to take a lifetime. She placed her hands on Caroline's hips. Pulling her a bit closer._

_Caroline fastened her eyes on Kate's lips and leaned forward slowly closing the gap. As she got to within a whisper of her lips she closed her eyes and released a tiny nervous sigh. She opened her mouth slightly and gently fitted her lips onto Kate's, inhaling deeply as she did. The sensation of touching Kate's yielding moist lips sent a rolling spasm from her solar plexus to the epicentre of her longing. A moan escaped her throat. _

_They felt it on their lips._

_Kate met her there. Gently responding to the movement. Mirroring her. Her own level of desire threatening to detonate._

_Caroline pulled back. Blinking. Focussing on Kate's eyes. Looking for approval and finding it._

"_God Caroline you're…" she stopped suddenly, and sucked in a breath as Caroline placed a hand on her midriff. They stared at each other. Wide-eyed. Being able to touch, feel and taste each other, unrestricted, unhindered, had at last become a reality._

_Their senses exploded and their bodies flooded with pure lust. _

_They fell towards each other. Their lips collided urgently seeking validation. Kate wrapped her arms around Caroline's shoulders bringing her in close to her body. Their heads switched sides several times as their hungry mouths search for a resolution to the enormous want within. Caroline wrapped her arms around Kate's waist and hips trying to take all of her in…even the missing years._

_Unable to contain the overriding craving between them, in a flurry of hands, arms, lips, hips and sounds, they devoured each other._

_In the pulling and pushing Caroline found herself up against the hall wall - minus her jacket, shirt open, Kate's hands on her breasts, her hand halfway down Kate's jeans - needing to take a deep breath. _

_She pulled back from Kate's lips. Their breathing was very ragged; their need was unbearable. _

_Catching their breath. Catching up with the moment. _

_Catching up with themselves._

_Too wild. Too uninhibited_

_It was as though they'd forgotten each other in the frenzy to satisfy the burning ache deep within. It had been so long since either of them had been provoked to such heights._

_Something snapped._

_Caroline leaned forward, taking refuge in the hollow between Kate's neck and her shoulder._

_Kate held her tight, stifling the madness. Lost in a memory that had hauled her body back to longed-for summits. Tangled recollections. Joanne. _

_She felt unravelled._

_She kissed the side of Caroline's head and moved her away from the wall._

_Caroline clung to Kate. She tried to remember her exit plans. _

_She felt undone._

_Their breathing lengthened._

"_Caroline…God…sorry…."_

_Kate loosened her arms to give Caroline room to shift._

"_This is a bit too…too…" said Kate searching for the right words as she lowered her forehead onto Caroline's shoulder. "Are you ok?"_

_A nod._

_Kate stroked the back of Caroline's head._

_Moments passed._

"_Aren't we a fine pair?" Kate said graciously, straightening, with a wide smile as she gently lifted up Caroline's head until their eyes met._

_Caroline returned the smile and took a big breath, allowing the last of her fear to disperse through her feet. _

_Kate's eyes settled her._

"_I think what is called for here, Ms Elliot…is a nice hot cup of tea." said Kate in her best London accent._

"_You are so gorgeous Kate," Caroline scrunched her nose. She looked away, "I am sorry I…arhh…it was all a bit…mmm…"_

"_Caroline…it wasn't just you…" said Kate as she shook her head and searched for Caroline's eyes, "I think the pressure of the last few days…in fact… for me…if I'm honest… it would be the last month...and really, we've not spent too much time with each other have we?...Like to just talk?"_

_Caroline nodded "Yeah…" she examined Kate's eyes, "too soon…maybe?"_

"_Yeah," said Kate softly, "yeah…I think so, for me anyway." _

_Relief. Validation. Respect._

_They reached forward into a tender kiss. _

"_And what we have is… like…I don't know… like last night for instance….so amazing," said Kate lovingly, "but I don't want it to be just about sex, Caroline, not that I don't want that, but…I want to know you a bit…know more about you, when we…you know…" she raised her shoulder to her chin and scrunched her nose, " a bit old fashioned, I know bu-"_

_Caroline reached up and kissed her so softly and passionately that Kate let out a little groan._

"_So how about that cup of tea then, Ms McKenzie?" Another kiss, smaller this time._

"_I think we need to have a date or two, Ms Elliot," jested Kate. _

"_Maybe. How about we spend the afternoon drinking tea…and…making out on your couch," suggested Caroline, eyebrows up, as she moved away from Kate, "but we're not allowed to go any further than first base," as she pointed her finger at the other woman and then her own shirt, smiling._

"_Why are you pointing at me?!" laughed Kate throwing her hands up, then down to the undone buttons on her jeans, doing them up as she headed for the kitchen._

"_Then tomorrow if we behave….maybe we could move to second base." said Caroline suggestively, buttoning up her shirt as she followed her._


	12. Chapter 12

**oo**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 12**

The footprint of the street lights was becoming evident as Caroline noticed her shadow lengthen then shorten as she walked underneath them. It was not far to go now. She found her pace slowing and the dread increasing with every step.

Her mind was busy trying to work out what she would do when she got back to the hotel. There were a few possibilities but none, it seemed, that would save face. Or the evening. She wondered how Kate had explained her absence to Greg. _Had she been honest or had she covered with some excuse or other?_ She wondered if they - on some level at least - would be relieved not to have to discuss the pregnancy issue with her. Going around on a loop in her thoughts was the idea that Kate would be thankful not to have to explain, or make excuses for, or be embarrassed by, Caroline's resistance to her prescribed method.

The thought that Kate could carry on with the evening, untouched by the hurtful things she'd said, was almost unbearable. _Did she not care at all?_ Was this a nice convenient way to disentangle herself from Caroline without it being too obvious?

Caroline stopped as the volley of Kate's words replayed themselves once again.

"_I'm right…it's like she's already made up her mind._" She reached down and broke off a stalk of wild barley from the side of the footpath.

She blinked several times, as the notion of a new thought crashed into her mind.

"_She wants this baby more than she needs me,"_ she exhaled abruptly. Like a blow to her belly.

A stark reality. A painful admission.

She breathed in forcefully, stitching another layer of protective coating over the wound.

Moving forward again she promised herself she'd stay strong. To resort to the Headmistress within to get though the rest of the evening if needs be. If things went completely pair shaped, she would sleep on the couch and they would return to Harrogate first thing in the morning.

No need to make this a protracted, messy ordeal.

She would just shut and lock the door now, before she reached the hotel. Given Kate's contempt for her, it would be unpleasant, but not undoable.

"Christ…how did it go so wrong so quickly?" she whispered into the night air as she crossed the street.

It never occurred to Caroline that she could be wrong. Not even close. Not once.

She flinched as she was unexpectedly reminded of the joy of being with Kate as she walked past a collection of petunias surrounding the display garden of the local plant nursery. She walked on swallowing her tears before they appeared.

.

ooooXoooo

_._

"_Which do you think Caroline?" Kate asked as she held up a tray of blue toned petunias and one of pink._

"_Is this for near the back door?"_

_Kate nodded._

"_Why not take both...you've got the room."_

"_True…I have. Ok then, well, I think, that's all I need for today." Kate looked around the nursery again, double checking. She then made her way to the check out. She had come to get a few new herbs to restock her kitchen garden and to have afternoon tea with Caroline at the centre's new café._

_Caroline sat on a low wall at the entrance and waited. She felt very happy with their outing. This was a lovely way to spend their Saturday afternoon and it had been a very long time since she had just dawdled her way through anything. _

'_I could get used to this.' She watched Kate make her way through the queue to the till. How lucky she had been to find someone as gentle and understanding as Kate to help her negotiate this daunting change in her life. The fact that she was so sexy, beautiful and funny was an extra bonus._

_Looking back on the last two weeks, Caroline knew that they'd made the right decision to halt proceedings on that Friday afternoon. She'd been so relieved to discover that Kate had been feeling just as apprehensive and trapped by the whirlwind of the dynamic sexual energy that surrounded them. As it turned out they'd spent a gorgeous fun afternoon kissing and cuddling, first on the couch, then on the floor, whilst trying to playing Scrabble. _

_Saturday had been spent watching over Lawrence, as he dipped in and out of a fever, and Kate had family commitments on the Sunday, so their attempts to get to second base almost seemed thwarted from the outset. But they were saved by Celia's return to Harrogate mid-week, and her offer to look after the boys while Caroline attended a 'late meeting'._

_Caroline closed her eyes and smiled as her body remembered the easy connection between it and Kate's body. How well they fitted together. How graceful and different Kate's body was compared to John's. How soft, moist and sensuous Kate's lips were. How lying there, feeling and touching her, without any outcome expected, had given Caroline an opportunity to safely delve into the concealed recesses of her own body and mind. To be able to answer long held questions that she had stowed away for self-preservation. How at this steadier pace they were able to hold back and feed their desire to connect on an emotional level, without feeling too deprived on a physical level. How welcoming Kate's touch was on her skin, just exploring and enjoying, without demanding anything in return. How right it had all felt._

_Although she had a truck load of reservations about expressing her sexuality outwardly, Caroline found that, inwardly, secretly, this aspect of her, now free, had ripped off its constraints and was running around shouting 'halleluiah'…loudly!_

_A shiver ran across her body. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes to see Kate walking towards her with a "what" look on her face._

"_Just day dreaming," she smiled amorously, "see what you do to me."_

_As Kate handed her a couple of bags to carry, she started to sing quietly near Caroline's ear as they began walking for home._

_Dream a little dream of me  
>Stars fading but I linger on, dear<br>Still craving your kiss  
>I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear<br>Just saying this..._

_Dream a little dream of me…da…dadidada…da…da…daa_

"_If I was a braver woman, I would kiss you right here in the street, Ms McKenzie."_

"…_and if I was a braver woman, Miss Sexy legs…I'd let you," laughed Kate, but with meaning._

_Kate's house was a leisurely 20 minute walk from the nursery and they chatted happily as they strolled home. Though they had spoken on the phone a couple of times a day, during the week, this was the first time that they'd seen each other as Caroline had been out of town at a conference. _

"_Well it was through Facebook, apparently, William and Alan's grandson hooked them up."_

"_Aww…Caroline that's sweet…did she remember him, first up."_

"_I don't know…she says she did but then had trouble putting a face to the name...but knowing Mum she would have been hedging her bets. He said he'd never forgotten her."_

"_How long ago did you say it was?"_

_The first drops of rain go unnoticed._

"_Umm I don't know….she says she was 15 at the time and…"_

"_Shit…this is getting too heavy!" said Kate stating the obvious as the rain quickly turned into a deluge._

"_Bus stop!" shouted Caroline, pointing and they raced fifty metres into its protection._

"_Christ that came quickly," Kate said as she squeezed into the most protected corner pulling Caroline with her. _

_The noise of the rain on the tin roof was deafening as they huddled there. As the rain got heavier Caroline backed further into Kate to avoid the splash coming up off the footpath._

"_I'm warning you Caroline if you come back any further," Kate inhaled, "I'm going to have to kiss your neck."_

"_Well I'm getting wet!" she shouted firmly over her shoulder, not quite hearing Kate._

"_Yeah…well…" blowing out through her lips, "I'm getting…wet… too… Caroline!" _

"_What?" puzzled Caroline loudly, over the pounding rain. She turned around to face Kate, "You're what?!"_

_Kate looked her squarely in the eyes and with raised voice and eyebrow said, "I'm…getting…'wet'…too! "and held her eye until she saw the penny drop._

_Caroline cast a glance up and down the street._

"_Sod it!" she reached up to kiss a drop of rain from Kate's nose, then her cheeks, then her chin, then her more than ready lips. It was a long slow, open-mouthed kiss that confronted the racket of the rain and took them into a vacuum. Their hands, occupied with shopping bags, remained at their sides so they had to resort to craning their necks and shoulders into each other, trying to meld themselves into one. Kate, already against the back of the shelter, moaned loudly as Caroline stepped in between her legs pressing her hips into her._

_Eventually._

"_Caroline?" Kate managed through their lips, "what time…do you…have to…pick Lawrence…up?"_

"_Christ!" she separated the lips. _

"_Christ," she looked around. Bus shelter. On a public street._

_Caroline stepped back._

_The rain had lessened._

"_Well that was…was exhilarating," she said beaming at a grinning Kate._

"_Lawrence?" _

_Caroline looked at her watch. "25 minutes." _

_She looked at Kate with her nose wrinkled. "Sod it." _

_Kate checked up and down the street then leant in for a kiss._

"_It's ok Miss sexy legs," she laughed bringing her hand, shopping bags and all, to her lips with an imaginary cigar, which she drew on then tapped, " you'll be hot for another day or two, and if not…well I know how to raise ya temperature…shweethart!" Wink wink._

"_May you be so lucky," laughed Caroline as she checked the sky for progress on the rain clouds._

"_Ooh… I think it has much more to do with my captivating charm," teased Kate as she noticed a bus turning into the street, "and we'd better make a dash for home unless we want a bus ride around the rainy streets of Harrogate," she looked at Caroline for confirmation._

"_On your captivating charm…or that we need to make a dash?" joked Caroline as she bumped Kate out into the rain._

_They arrived at Kate's breathless and soaking and made their way through the back door into the kitchen._

"_Just stick everything in the sink, I'll sort it out later," said Kate as she went off into the laundry, "I'll get some towels."_

"_Wow, we look like drowned rats." Caroline observed herself and then Kate as she walked towards her with a towel._

"_A finer looking," Kate kissed her very wet face, "drowned rat, I've yet to see." She wrapped the towel around Caroline's shoulders and pulled her in._

_Kiss. "Kate?" _

_Kiss. "Kate?" louder. _

_Kiss. "We can't -"_

_Kiss. "I won't be able to -" _

_Kiss. "Be able to what Caroline?" grinned Kate?_

"_Drive." Kiss._

"_Leave." Kiss. _

"_Be a responsible parent." Kiss._

"_Finish what I start." Kiss._

"_What do you plan on starting?" whispered Kate as she licked some rain off Caroline's ear._

"_Ughh… God Kate," moaned Caroline as she twisted free from Kate's arms, "you'll need to learn to behave… if we're ever going to get to third -"_

_The sound of Caroline's phone ringing in her back pocket surprised them both._

"_Christ!" they yelled together._

"_Base." She mouthed as she moved towards the laundry._

"_Hi Lawrence"._

_Kate started to deal with the wet bags on the sink as she tried to make sense of Caroline's answers._

"_Well what time does it begin?"_

"_Mmmm…what does Damian's mother say?"_

"_Ok….hi Gina…yes it is a bit wild out there."_

_Kate turned the kettle on, then cursed as she couldn't hear Caroline._

"_If that's not too much trouble?"_

"_Thank you so much…I'll call later…say around 7.00…ok…bye."_

_Caroline stood at the back door looking out at the rain pouring down. Her heart was beating so fast that she could feel it inside her chest. Her body was so alive that she felt like she was vibrating. As she turned to go back into the kitchen she promised herself that she would write Gina into her will. She stood in the doorway taking all of Kate in, with a look of renewed expectation and unadulterated lust. _

_Kate held up a couple of mugs indicating tea but stopped as she saw the look on Caroline's face. _

"_What?" Kate was thrown._

_Caroline walked up to her and slid her arms around her waist and under her shirt not taking her eyes from Kate's._

"_What?" anticipation was building._

"_I don't have to pick Lawrence up." A deep breath, eyes widening._

"_What do you mean?" 180 degree shift beginning._

"_I mean." Tightening her grip._

"_That you." Kiss. _

"_And I." Kiss. _

"_Can now proceed to," she moved her mouth to Kate's ear, "to third base….unhindered."_

_A shiver rippled through both of them._

_Caroline leant back. They lock eyes._

"_If that's what y-" Kate's mouth silenced her._

"_Do you have to ask?" Pulling back, she tenderly pushed a wet strand of wayward hair off Caroline's face._

"_I just wanted to make sure." Humble and respectful._

_Kate stepped back and held out her hand to Caroline._

"_Come."_

.

ooooXoooo

.

Song : Dream a Little Dream of me...The Mamas and The Papas


	13. Chapter 13

**0**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 13**

Greg leant over, turned the GPS off and increased the volume on the radio.

"I think that you're right, she'd be back at the hotel by now. So with that in mind I'll drop you back and set off for home…if that's ok?" he smiled at her, "you're not going to need me hanging around, are you?"

"God, I didn't even ask…did you book a room?" said Kate concerned.

"No….I couldn't wait to catch up with you first."

"Don't leave on our account…if you wanted to stay over?"

"Nah…I'll get off…I've got a couple of things to get out of the way tomorrow so this will give me the opportunity to do that." He touched her arm and winked, "besides, three's a crowd…you know?"

"I feel awful for dragging you all the way over here for nothing," said Kate frowning.

"Well, let's look at it as an opportunity to catch up," he said earnestly, "and we don't get to do that as often as I would like."

"Yeah…but I'm still sorry."

"Do you mind if I stop in here and fill up?" asked Greg as he pulled into a service station.

"No go for it…can I pay for it?" said Kate as she reached for her purse.

"Not likely McKenzie…I'll think of some other kind of payback in good time," grinned Greg as he leant over and kissed her cheek, then got out of the car.

Kate rested her head against the window as she waited. She closed her eyes. Her body felt edgy. She was growing anxious about seeing Caroline. Wondering how she would feel about her, now that she'd seen this less that glamorous side of her. Would they be able to speak to each other or had she completely ruined Caroline's faith in her, and their weekend? Her experience of being around Caroline, when she dealt with Celia and John, led her to think that she wouldn't shy away from wanting to sort it out. Once you'd crossed a line with Caroline you needed to be prepared for the consequences. Even the staff at Sulgrave had the heads up on that side of her. And she had crossed the line…big time.

_Oh God…Greg's right I do need to see someone about this. _How was she ever going to be able to explain it to Caroline, in a way that made any sense. _Fuck…I can't even explain it to myself. _She sat up and opened her eyes, breathing down the rising dread. She gave her head a quick shake.

Greg slid back into his seat.

"You Ok?"

"Yeah," Kate shuffled her anxiety to the side and smiled at Greg, "I will be."

As he started the car "_Dream a Little Dream of Me_" streamed out of the radio.

_Dream a little dream of me  
>Stars fading but I linger on, dear<br>Still craving your kiss  
><em>

Kate smiled wryly at the irony, and as Greg drove out and onto road, she laid her head back against the seat and allowed the memories of that rainy afternoon to flood over her. Giving her hope.

.

ooooXoooo

.

_The stormy weather had cast a soft moody atmosphere in Kate's bedroom. A large window overlooked a busy garden lined with trees that were wrestling with the wind, which was slowly building. The rain, coming in increasing waves, splattered and blurred the view adding a protective screen. It kept them enclosed in the privacy of the room. Away from the rest of the world._

_Kate led them through to the en suite._

"_We can leave our wet clothes here," she said, with a hint of nerves, as she reached down and took off her shoes. Caroline followed suit. _

_Kate looked at her soaking jeans then at Caroline's, "Hmmm…wet jeans…these are always a bugger to get off," as she undid hers, pushing them down as far as they would go. She then held a leg up for Caroline to grab._

"_Can you?"_

_Caroline took hold "I think it would be better if you sat on the bath," she started to laugh at the sight of Kate hopping towards it._

"_I know…I know…it's a sexy look…yeah?" chuckled Kate, "I think it's part of the captivating charm thing."_

_After a few minutes of grappling and giggling they stood. Both pairs of sopping jeans in a heap on the floor. _

_Nervous expectation sparked in the space in between._

_Replacing the fun of the moment with a reverence for what lay ahead of them, Kate placed her right hand on Caroline's chest and looked lovingly into her smouldering blue eyes._

"_Are you sure?" she asked with tenderness and hope._

_Caroline, not taking her eyes from Kate's, took a deep breath, found Kate's left hand, placed it together with the right then moved them down to the buttons on her shirt. Moving her own hands onto Kate's wrists, she followed the movement all the way down taking in every sensation for the first time. Kate released the last button, opened the shirt and pushed it off Caroline's shoulders. First kissing one, then trailing across the width her of chest to the other. The wet shirt stuck to Caroline's arms. She managed to free one as Kate took the other arm lifting it, freeing the shirt and bringing the hand to her lips, opening the palm, kissing it, then placing it on the first of the buttons of her own shirt._

_Caroline began tentatively, a slight tremor in her hands. She looked at Kate for reinforcement. Kate leant forward and whispered in her ear, "Yes please…do whatever…you…want." Caroline, exhaling roughly, blinked slowly, and looked back at her hands. She knew what she wanted. She wanted all of this woman….all of the curves, silkiness and succulence…all of this luscious skin...all of the intimacy of the moment. Of knowing Kate, knowing herself and of knowing that she could now redeem that which her denial had deprived her for so long._

_She undid the first button, then looking seductively into Kate's hungry eyes, she moved down the shirt._

"_God Caroline," Kate sucked in her belly swiftly as her knuckles touched it, she arched forward placing her head on Caroline's shoulder and gently exhaled trying to rein in the rush of desire that was building and coursing through her body. _

_Caroline pushed the shirt to the floor and slid her hands up Kate's back undoing her bra in one quick, fluid, action. She felt an almost primal urge for contact with this other woman's skin unlocking deep within her, driving her to explore all that Kate's sensuous body had to offer. The more she touched the more she wanted. As she revealed Kate's breasts she felt the heat of tears forming in her eyes._

"_Oh Kate… Kate," she looked in awe to Kate before she gave herself permission to touch, hold, kiss and caress. Kate groaned softly and felt her heart expand with pleasure and love as she observed Caroline's genuine naiveté at the reawakening of her Sapphic passions._

"_Jesus Caroline!" gasped Kate as she took a handful of Caroline's hair, to pull her mouth off her nipple. To slow her down. To steady the pace._

"_You're very good at that," breathed Kate, her hunger threatening to burst through the surface. With her hand still full of Caroline's hair she brought their lips together for the first time since they'd reached the bathroom. She shortened the kiss and reached behind Caroline to release her bra. Caroline stiffened slightly, self-consciously, and looked away. Kate gently slid the bra from between them and enfolded Caroline in her arms without taking her eyes from her face._

_She waited. Breathing for the two of them._

_Caroline took a moment, then, looked back with renewed resolve._

_They kissed._

_Kate drew a line slowly with her index finger, warm breathy kisses following, from Caroline's jaw down to the base of her neck, to the suprasternal notch, then in a zigzag, trekked across her chest._

"_God Kate… please?" Caroline found the back of Kate's head and steered it towards the nearest nipple, vocally signalling her pleasure and encouraging Kate's eager mouth onto it._

_Caroline arched her back as she felt her desire for Kate reach fever pitch. The ache within her centre had her full attention. She had never before felt so at its mercy. Kate's warm breath, smooth tongue and sucking lips pushed her dangerously close to the edge. She fought to hang on. She didn't want to come, just yet, not without Kate. Not so soon. _

_She took a deep steadying breath. _

_Kate, trying to control her own breath, aware that they were both careering towards an inevitable outcome, followed the trail back up to Caroline's mouth. Her wet lips waited for her and she greedily took in Kate's searching tongue. They devoured each other._

_Breaking apart to catch their breaths Kate paused, and put her hand under Caroline's chin, "You Ok?" _

_Caroline nodded, breathing hard, holding Kate tight._

"_I want to…to…feel you," she murmured into Kate's ear._

_Kate shuddered, her back straightened, her hips arched into Caroline's and she blew out her breath loudly. She urgently found Caroline's mouth again, searching hungrily for more of her tongue. Then she slowly sidled back to the edge of the vanity and lowered herself down onto it, drawing Caroline in between her legs. Without breaking their kiss, she took Caroline's hand and slid it down her belly, removing her own hand when she felt Caroline take over. _

_Their rapid breathing became more nasal, more jagged._

_Kate's hips began to dictate the rhythm. She broke away from the kiss. She needed more air. She was so close._

_Caroline felt like her fingers had become her eyes as they moved down over the changing terrain of Kate. Her senses switched to an elevation that was beyond anything she had known: smooth…coarse… knickers… under…down …warm…yielding…soft…moist…divided…deeper… slippery…hot…deeper…swollen…pulsing…deeper…split…soaking._

"_K-a-a-t-e…oh God…oh K-a-t-e," Caroline moaned, trembling…pleading…defenceless…saturated._

_Kate could only manage to groan…and breathe…and grip._

_Caroline bound her hips to Kate's, trapping her hand between herself the outer edge of Kate, and the outer edge of a new way of being._

_The edge called for them both. Kate locked Caroline to her quaking body as she forcefully rocked, swayed and ground them both, bravely, up to the entrance, through the gateway, across the border, to the other side. _

_Without looking back._

_Lost in the euphoria as it spread rapidly through their shaking bodies, they rested against each other, until their breathing subsided and they gained strength back into the parts that needed it._

_Caroline lifted her head off Kate's shoulder. Kissed it, then her lips._

"_Mmm…that was… mmhhhm," mumbled Kate. Slaked._

"_Mmmhm," an agreeing tone and very big blue eyes. Quenched._

_They looked at each other. Their tangible relief visible, as was their inability to contain their broad smiles or the rapidly growing need for more._

_Kiss._

"_You do realise…don't you Caroline?" _

_Kiss._

"_That technically…we have yet to …"_

_Kiss._

"_Get to third base." voice low, brown eyes very wide._

"_Is that correct?" fingers trailed up Kate's arm and across her collarbone._

"_Mmmhhmm…" a slow nod and a seductive smile._

"_That was only 'second' base?" eyebrows down, blue yes looking over invisible glasses._

_"Mmhm…technically…I'm afraid so. Though, there is some conjecture, in the lesbian annuals, about the need to clearly distinguishing between bases, particularly second and third." equally concerned face._

_"Hmmm…what about a home run?"_

_"Deemed not relevant…in these circles…can be covered adequately at second and third bases."_

_Building. Inciting. Tantalising. _

"_So what you're saying then, Ms McKenzie…" _

_Kiss._

"…_is that we have not yet accomplished the task at hand?" fingers now ranged further afield. Her lower body propped against Kate…provocatively._

"_Mmm…I'm afraid not." _

_Kiss. _

"_Which rulebook…exactly… are we basing this on?" playing now, "'The British Handbook for the Novice Explorer?'" _

_"No…it's the…ah…the… 'Manuel Pratique de Protocole,'" Kate murmured lustfully into her ear. Then upping the ante, "'P__our Lesbiennes Amateurs de Séduction Sexe__.'"_

_Kiss. Wet. Lingering. Open-mouthed._

"_And the difference…pray tell, in this almanac...between second and third base?" she held Kate's eye._

_Kate looked for Caroline's wandering hand and brought it to her mouth. She sucked the middle two fingers. Their eyes met…then lengthening her arm she slipped the hand between them._

"_Penetration"_

'_This is Houston…We Have Ignition.'_

_The force of the rain on Kate's bedroom window was ably matched by the intensity of the two women as they made their way to the bed in the falling light. As Kate climbed in next to Caroline she pulled the covers over both of them. She knew that this afternoon was more about touching and establishing than seeing and challenging. _

_They laid in each other's arms…conscious of the moment…conscious of their breathing…conscious of the threshold._

_Caroline lifted herself onto her elbow._

"_God Kate…I so want this."_

"_So do I."_

_Kate rolled onto her back gently pulling Caroline onto her body as she did. She noticed a flicker of uncertainty skim across Caroline's face._

"_Kiss me Caroline." _

"_I'm…I...I"_

_Kate reached up for her mouth. _

"_Shhhhh…" so softly, a whisper. _

"_We'll do this together," brown eyes coupled tenderly onto blue._

_Shepherd…lover…friend._

_A flash of lightning filled the room and ignited the naked fuse smouldering between them. As the resulting thunder sounded far away, they lost themselves to the possibilities, dreamt of…longed for…sought after from the moment they first became aware of the space in between._

_As they neared the edge this time…tousled… animated and unstoppable…they paused…they united…they consented and they plunged together courageously past the threshold into the core of each other. _

_Unguarded. Exposed. Vulnerable._

_Calling out to the Gods…blaming them for the intensity…they clung to each other, as first one, then the other, was hauled over the crest and discharged into paradise. __Collapsing onto the dishevelled bed, they fell back into the pillows connected by a powerful kiss that saw off the last of the spasms, and brought in the delicate threads of new love. _

_No words…tears spill out of blue eyes._

_Once missing now found._

_Still no words…brown eyes glistened._

_Once drifting now tethered._

_The embossed covers of Kate's bed cocooned them within, adding a layer of protection from the tempest brewing outside. _

_Eventually, there was movement._

_Kate played lazily with Caroline's silky hair._

_Caroline played lazily with the fingers of Kate's other hand._

"_Mmmm…soo…__ Manuel Pratique de Protocole?" _

"_Mmm…. __Pour Lesbiennes Amateurs de Séduction Sexe__."_

"_What volume would that be?"_

"_The latest."_

"_I think I'd better get a copy."_

"_You'll need one."_

"_Will I…?"_

"_Well…if you keep turning up in my bed darling…it'll be essential."_

"_Why…are there more than three bases?"_

_xxxxxxxxxxx_

_Manuel Pratique de Protocole: __Pour Lesbiennes Amateurs de Séduction Sexe__._

Practical Manual of Protocol: For Lesbian Lovers of Beguiling Sex. This is a fabricated title.

xxxxx

**Check out FanFiction...The Last Tango In Halifax 'Forum'...that I have started. It can be found through the FORUM tag at the top of this page. **

**xxx**


	14. Chapter 14

**O**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 14**

On her way through the hotel lobby Caroline ran into Michael, the hotel manager.

"It's beautiful out isn't?" he commented.

"Mmm," Caroline was deep in thought as she passed him to go up the stairs. After a couple of steps she turned around, "Yes, it is Michael…you have got some lovely gardens here."

"Thank you…we are lucky that we've got a fabulous gardening team."

"Can you tell me if Ms McKenzie has finished with her meeting in the dining room?" Trying to sound very casual.

"Yes I think they have…they may be in the bar."

Caroline stood there, torn between disappearing up the stairs, or, having the courage to face the music.

"The bar is at the end of the corridor through that door," he said pointing, "if you'd like to join them there."

He stopped a member of staff who happened to be passing, "Sharon, do you know if Ms McKenzie is still in the dining room or has moved to the bar?"

"No they left ages ago."

"Excuse me Michael, I think you'll find that they went upstairs some time ago," interjected the woman on duty at reception.

The words slammed into Caroline like a cannonball. The air was forced from her lungs.

Startled. The words had a cold steel edge to them as they blasted through her. Blinking rapidly was her only defence.

She turned around and continued up the stairs, delivering nothing less than an Oscar winning performance - on legs that she could no longer feel - without missing a beat. Without even the slightest of hints that her heart had just dropped through the bottom of her chest and out on to the floor.

"Thank you." She thought she heard herself say.

She sat for, who knows how long, on a sofa at the top of the stairs, trying to figure out what to do next. This scenario was definitely not one that she had made a plan for. Had even seen coming, for that matter. She felt almost completely numb, but for the nausea swirling around in her gut.

She smiled inertly at a happy couple that grinned at her as they headed down the corridor to their room. She knew she needed to do the same. She pulled herself up off the sofa and ran her hands roughly through her hair.

_I can't do this. I'm just not strong enough_. Caroline reluctantly walked to the room. She felt like she was on autopilot. S_urely they're not in here. _

She put her ear to the door, not sure what she was hoping to hear the most. The muffled sounds of a TV in a room nearby and the pounding of her heart were the only sounds that Caroline could pick up.

She leant against the door frame trying to summon up the courage to swipe the card and enter.

_Just do it…just do it."_ she repeated to herself, over and over. She thought of getting a drink from the bar to bolster her courage when she heard the door of the room next open. She quickly swiped the card and almost fell into the room.

Silence and darkness greeted her.

Then her own relief.

Then her own anguish.

No Kate. No Greg. An observation, followed by a silent question.

_Ohh no…no no no…I don't want to go there._ Caroline clapped her hands over her ears. She wanted to hang on tightly to the comfort of denial.

She allowed her eyes to adjust to the darkness, then walked over and turned on one of the bedside lamps. Other than her opened overnight bag and a pair of shoes, there didn't seem to be any evidence that Kate had been in the room.

_What was I expecting?_ Her shoulders slumped, _a welcoming committee…a search party…a bloody 21 gun salute!_

No. She knew that would be dreaming. But there was this large part deep within her that she'd shared with Kate. Which thought it knew Kate. That was ever hopeful, that Kate was as upset, as desperate by their exchange, as she was. That her evening with Greg would have come to nothing, because she would have wanted to have found Caroline, to make amends.

But there was no sign of that. Not even the slightest.

As she sat on the bed a hollow feeling crept through her body. It was familiar. She was no stranger to it. But it seemed much more painful now.

She felt completely vanquished. Her only lifeline forsaking her.

Caroline inhaled, squared her shoulders, and stood up. _Right!_ _Time to go!_ She found her overnight bag, threw it onto the bed and gathered her things together. She knew that she was not willing to face any more humiliation tonight. It was time to lock down, close the shutters and retreat back to home ground.

.

ooooXoooo

.

Kate stood on the outside of the door, she felt like she should knock. That this was somehow Caroline's space. The irony was not lost on her. Her hands trembled. She made as much noise as was possible with a plastic keycard. Forewarning.

She needn't have bothered, she knew the second the door was open that Caroline wasn't in there. It felt empty…and it was.

_God Caroline…where are you sweetheart?_

As she leaned against the door she switched on the light. At first she didn't notice any difference, but then she hadn't spent very long in there either. They'd been in a hurry and she'd really only taken notice of her own belongings.

Kate put her handbag on the side table and went to the toilet. As she re-emerged she began to take in the room. Wondering where Caroline had gotten to. _Why wasn't she back yet?_

_This is getting ridiculous._ Kate looked at her watch. It was dark out. _Surely she's still not out there?_

The feeling that something fundamental was missing began to emerge.

She reached out her hands like she was looking to feel Caroline's essence. Gone.

Kate twisted around to look at the pillows on the bed for the blue jumper. Gone.

Chair. Jacket. Gone.

All of Caroline's belongings. Gone.

Realising that she could see the carpark from the window she searched for Caroline's Jeep. Gone.

She leant against the window, stunned. The idea that Caroline would just leave her was astonishing, implausible even. It was so completely left of field that Kate racked her brain for a possible explanation that would make sense. She came up with nothing.

_Just breathe…just breathe_.

She double checked all the cupboards. The bathroom.

She dropped onto the bed as disbelief took over.

Kate felt sick. A vortex of anxiety was making its way rapidly through her body, threatening to turn into panic.

Caroline had gone. It was like she had never been there. All evidence of her had vanished.

_Where are you? Where are you Caroline?_

Kate hated not knowing!

_Oh God!_

She couldn't bear the not knowing. Because there was always waiting that went with not knowing. And she couldn't do the waiting either, it was almost worse. No, she couldn't do the two together. Not the waiting with the not knowing! _CHRIST… I HATE THIS! _

She needed to breathe. She needed to remember what to do.

She hated the weird way her body felt. It was like it wasn't hers anymore. Like she was outside of it.

Her mouth had gone completely dry. She got up and found a bottle of water in the fridge and stood at the window. She gulped down half the bottle. _I'm ok...I'm going to be ok_. She placed one of her hands on her chest and the other on her diaphragm and began to breath deeply into her bottom hand. _I'm ok…I'm ok…I'm ok…I can call Janice if I need her…_She continued with the breathing, slowing and lengthening each breath, just a little bit more, each time_. I'm ok…I can do this…I can feel my feet…I can feel my feet…I can feel my legs…I can feel my arms. _Kate walked the length of the room, then around the sofas a couple of times. Stretching, twisting and shaking her arms as she went.

Gradually she felt the urgency of the moment pass. Now at least she could join a couple of sensible thoughts together._ Caroline is not here_._ She has left…driven off. She isn't…gone_. _No, she wasn't 'gone'._

Her heart rate slowed. Tears filled her eyes.

_She is…just…not…here…with me_. Kate had another mouthful of water then slowly inhaled again…_God I wish you were here Caroline….I really need you right now._

She leant against the arm of the sofa and brought her hands up to her face, her palms pushed into her eyes. Gently, at first, then with force, as she fought to keep the vivid memories at bay. In the end she gave up. Sometimes it was easier. She continued with the slow breathing. At least she could do that.

"_I'm Sargent Naveen Dara…I'm looking for Katherine McKenzie?" Kate rushed past him to the garden and vomited. As she sank to her knees she felt like she had been caught up in a B grade movie that was slowing to down to a crawl. She looked at her hands and rubbed her fingers together, but couldn't feel them. She looked up and saw Janice and the policeman coming towards her, mouthing her name. She vomited again._

Kate, now in the bathroom, splashed cold water over her face and then ran a wet flannel across the back of her neck. She rinsed her mouth again. Wrapping a towel over her head she left the bathroom and made her way over to the kettle to make a cup of tea.

She felt a bit better. It had been some time – a couple of years in fact - since she'd last gone through one of these episodes. She'd learnt over time that they always pass and they always did, but she hated them nevertheless.

She made the tea and settled back down on the bed with her mug. Her mind turned to the current situation.

_Have you really just left me here…with no idea of where you are, or means of getting home? _

Kate couldn't decide how she felt. She vacillated between anger and grief and all that was between. She settled for empty. It was an old friend and didn't ask for much.

She lifted her legs onto the bed, leant back onto the pillows and surrendered into the moment, allowing herself to let go. And she did.

_I just wish I knew if you were ok…sweetheart...and I wish I could hold you and tell how sorry I am…and take back what I said….and to tell how much I love you…I'm sorry that I've never told you that, but, I do…I really love you._

She reached across the bed for a box of tissues.

There it was. Obvious. Stark. Resting on what would have been her pillow.

Her heart sank even further down. As if that was at all possible.

A plain envelope.

KATE

Underneath, a beautiful florid swirl.

...

_Dear Kate,_

_I would have liked to have had this conversation face to face, but you are not here, and I didn't want to leave you guessing as to where I was, so this letter will have to do._

_I can't face any more humiliation tonight and knowing that you and Greg have come upstairs together makes me want to run…so I am._

_I can't do this anymore, this pretending that things are ok. You're right, my life is a drama and one that I'm struggling hard to keep together. I was so desperate to change things that I now see that I have unfairly involved you and used you like a kind of life raft. I thought that if I clung on to you tightly enough I could float above it all. I've always been able to cling on to something that hides and protects me, and for the last 20 years, that's been my job. So I'm sorry to have used you like that._

_The house issue falls into that category as well. I just don't want to face losing it, on top of everything else. But I guess it, too, is symptomatic of the mess I've got myself in. So again, I'm sorry, that I selfishly involved you._

_When I was out walking just now I realised that I can't keep this up. I feel like I am constantly anxious. I feel like I'm in a goldfish bowl with everyone watching my every move. Mum, John, Gillian, the board of directors, the staff, the boys and you. I feel like you all expect something from me that I haven't got to give any more._

_To think I could add a new relationship into that mix was crazy from the outset. I should have just kept to myself back at the start and not reached out to you. So I'm sorry for not doing that, perhaps we'd both be better off now._

_To the not being out and proud issue: I get angry when I think about this Kate, because I feel that you have had much more time to deal with being out than I have. That you are judging me because I can't seem to just get over it and accept it like it's a non-issue within 10 months. I've wanted to talk to you about it, to help me make sense of it, but you seem to dismiss me and make light of it whenever I try to tell you how difficult I'm finding it. I was hoping that we could have walked this path together because I value your experience._

_Continuing on from there. Words can't describe how hurt and confused I am that you feel that being with me, making love, with me, has been nothing but an embarrassing fumble for you. My experience of being with you has been the polar opposite of that and you gave me the impression that this was how it was for you too, how is that so? Am I that gullible? Could I have been that blind? Why didn't you say something when you knew that my experience was so limited? How would I know otherwise?_

_So, were you just humouring me? Christ how humiliating!_

_You say that it's always about me and perhaps at the beginning it was Kate, but recently when I've wanted to make it about you or us you have dismissed me or gone silent._

_Which brings me to the baby and Greg bit: What can I say; I have no right as a mother of two to say you shouldn't try again for your own child. But as your partner I'm gobsmacked to think that you could so easily "just have sex" with a former lover and not think that I would mind. Because, "it's the best way." And because it's for the 'greater good', it doesn't matter how I feel. Well, I do mind, and the very thought of someone else touching, kissing and having sex with the woman that I love, breaks my heart, no matter how clinical you try and make it sound. So no, I'm not OK with it and I have tried to tell you that, clumsily, I'll admit, but you don't want to hear it and I don't want to be the one you resent for standing in your way. Anyway this last couple of weeks and tonight I got the feeling that you've already made up your mind, and the rest is just a formality. Perhaps you're just humouring me, again!_

_So sadly Kate, and I have agonised over this, and not just tonight, but I do think that you are right "this is done"._

_I'm clearly not enough for you and with so much else going on in my life, it's not fair to expect you to wait for me to sort myself out. It's time for me to retreat back to something a bit safer as I can't keep this act up any longer, and, I don't want to be anyone's disappointment._

_I'm so sorry to run off like a coward and leave you here. But I can't be here, knowing that you and Greg are together somewhere, I'm not that strong. Sorry._

_I will pay all the hotel costs on my way out. _

_I know that you are in Venice all next week with the choir and then we have three weeks, one of which I will be away attending a conference, until we go into the break. I know that for myself, this will be difficult but I'm sure that we can maintain some sort of professional workable relationship until then. I will pack up your things and have William drop them to you tomorrow in case there are clothes that you need for Venice._

_For what it's worth Kate you have awoken me from a deep slumber and I now know that I can expect much more from life…So thank you. I just need time._

_Caroline_


	15. Chapter 15

**oo**

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 15**

Caroline slammed the door of the jeep as she got out at an isolated lay-by twenty minutes outside Halifax.

"Shit…shit…shit!" she pounded the air with her fists as she stormed the length of the lay-by.

She'd stopped to make a phone call only to realise that she had left her phone in the hotel room.

_Can't I get anything fucking right!_

"How hard is it to carry a bloody phone!" she shouted angrily into the night air. She was totally flummoxed by her seeming inability to be responsible for a phone.

She paced up and down and around the Jeep like a woman possessed. Arguing with and scolding herself before she turned her attention to damning the day, and the week, and the year. Then Celia, John, Greg and God!

But mostly damning Kate for being Kate… for being so irresistible…for turning her world upside down ….for breathing life back into her…for craving her touch…for putting her emotions on tenterhooks… for putting her at the mercy of someone other than herself…for destroying her ability to focus on other things…for making her want sex every day…for making her panic about a world without Kate in it…for making her pay attention to the words of songs that she never used to even hear, and then sing them… for making her feel eighteen again …for disrupting her ordered life…for making her want her so badly that it felt like a virus…

"CHRIST I NEVER USED TO…WANT ANYTHING…NOW… LOOK AT…WHAT… YOU'VE… DONE…TO… ME!" she roared out into the blackness, grabbing her knees as the force of her words threw her forward.

Caroline rested there. In the stillness. In the darkness. A break in the traffic, adding silence.

She straightened up and took in a couple of good sized breaths. She stepped back until she reached the Jeep. She felt she needed the support.

The quarter moon watched over her. Reinforcement.

She looked up at it, drawn in by its spell.

_You've made me want to feel love…your love…my love…our love. _The simple truth.

Reflected into the wide blue eyes.

Released from the vault.

Once, too big to say out loud. Now, too powerful to keep hidden.

Caroline reached for her heart as she felt it break open. She didn't recognise the sound that came out of her throat. She could only sink to the ground hoping it would catch her. It did.

.

xxxxOxxxx

.

Kate held the letter tightly to her chest. She'd read it three times already and each time it cut a little deeper. A little harder. A little sharper.

She felt absolutely crushed.

_God, Caroline…I thought that I wasn't what you wanted… that you were disappointed in me_.

That it was the other way around in Caroline's mind had totally bewildered Kate. She'd been so anxious over the last few weeks, believing that Caroline was having second thoughts about her – particularly after she'd mentioned the baby idea - she'd already been thinking about contingency plans for moving back home. Not having the baby.

Kate had been expecting fireworks. She had braced herself. Put on a flak jacket.

But this was so unexpected. _How did I end up with the responsibility for the relationship entirely in my hands._ Kate struggled to understand how Caroline could be so defeated…so completely. No discourse. Just a white flag. Without even the slightest attempt to try and hold together even the smallest of pieces of what they had. _That there was nothing, worth fighting for? Worth crying over? Worth shouting about?_

How had she been so unobservant, that she missed the depth of this side of Caroline? This collapsed side. She had glimpsed a hole, seen a gap, in Caroline's armour over the 'Celia dinner fracas', but even in the midst of that Caroline had come out with her fists up and swinging.

_Why not now?_

Kate was angry at herself that she hadn't had the courage to call her on her dismissiveness, whenever she'd noticed that Caroline might be worried or anxious. _Perhaps that would have helped her?_ But Caroline could be so frustrating, making it difficult to challenge her. She liked to keep things, even import things, to herself until she had already worked out an equitable solution with an action plan. Then she would be ready to share, to include others.

For Kate the biggest change and perhaps the biggest mistake came with the move to Conway Drive. Both sides were littered with flawed intentions. Both sides were cluttered with unspoken business.

Only in the bedroom did Kate feel there was some kind of equity. Somehow they'd managed to cocoon themselves, from the noise of the everyday, once they'd shut the bedroom door. But the truth, was here too, on the other side of the door, seeking entry.

Kate had been working her way toward telling Caroline about Joanne. Not many people knew her story, full stop. Not now that she was back in Harrogate.

Greg was right, though, Joanne was now between Caroline and herself. Not because Kate missed her - though that was a given - she had learned how to adapt her life around that - but because Caroline had re-awakened those parts of Kate that Joanne had taken with her. For the authenticity of the relationship and for herself, Kate knew, that the time had come, to reclaim them, and the empty space that their absence created inside her.

It was never going to be an easy conversation. Kate had steadied herself for that. She had had the courage at the beginning but not the opportunity. Once, Caroline had noticed a group photo of Joanne, Kate, Janice and Kumar, her husband, sitting at a table at a café in Paris. As Kate was pointing out the others Caroline launched into a Paris-family-holiday-disaster story before Kate could finish. The moment had been hijacked.

There were other photos and mementos spread through the house but the main photos, of Joanne and their life together, were on the wall in Kate's study and Caroline had never been in there, in fact, other than the early days, she had really not spent much time at Kate's. The chance didn't come again, and once she was living at Conway Drive the opportunity to naturally introduce Joanne as part of her past slipped out of Kate's hands.

.

oo

_Caroline sat behind Kate gently brushing her hair. They were sitting on the floor at the end of Caroline's bed, naked. _

_They'd been fighting over who should brush whose hair when the wrestling, over the hairbrush, had become so boisterous and playful that they'd ended up sliding off the bed and onto the floor. Once the laughter had settled Caroline kissed Kate sweetly on the lips, "I really would love to do this for you sweetheart. I've never had anyone's hair to brush, except the boys, and I don't think that counts." _

_Kate conceded as Caroline wiggled her way around to the back of her._

"_No, I think you're right there, boys don't count," agreed Kate, smiling as she added, "didn't you say you had a dog though, in the early years?" _

_Caroline chortled. "Yes, and she, used to do what she was told."_

_Kate twisted her head to look at Caroline as she leant back into her shoulder. Her eyes glowing appreciatively, "Isn't that what I've been doing for the last hour or so?"_

_Caroline reached down and kissed her bottom lip pulling it away from her mouth. "And… look how well, you were rewarded for that."_

"_Hmm…point taken." she snuck a kiss in on the nearest nipple as she sat back up._

_Unusually, for a Sunday afternoon, they were home alone and had spent it reacquainting themselves with the pleasures of each other, that can only be found when time was not of an essence. It was a rare treat. _

_For Kate the afternoon had been near perfect. Her confidence in their connection had solidified. She knew that Caroline had felt it too. She had found herself wanting to tell Caroline that she loved her. She hungered for the freedom that it would bring. The relief. Kate felt she was ready to risk it all. _

_She felt bold. _

_She hadn't meant for Joanne to turn into a secret, but by default she had. _

_There could be no declaration of this new love without the revelation of the old love._

_Kate sat, cross-legged, rocked gently back and forth by the pull of the brush and the strength of Caroline's arm. Her eyes closed. Her heart open._

"_Hmmm…this feels so gorgeous Caroline…I used to love having my hair brushed" she sighed into the next stroke. Offering up an opening._

"_Richard used to brush your hair?" said absently._

"_No, not Richard."_

"_Ohh." adrift in the moment. _

"_It was before Richard…I umm…there wa-"_

"_Oh God!" snapping to. Caroline sat up straight. Alert._

"_What?" Startled._

"_Nope…can't do…don't want to hear the ex-girlfriend, ex-lover stories…Kate…Nope." Caroline laughed nervously, "Nope…no can do…Alison and Richard aside…I don't want to know what my competition is." She tapped Kate playfully on the shoulder with the brush. "Nope…let's not open that can of worms….no sir-ree." She returned to the brushing._

_The warning alarm sounded. _

_There was nowhere for Kate to go. She'd lost her nerve. Her boldness had vanished. _

_The heat of her emotions had already broken onto the surface of her skin. It was burning her. Her eyes, so lazy and dreamy seconds ago, were clenched tightly, rapidly backing up with tears. She started to panic. Her body was about to give her away. Kate had never cried in front of Caroline, she'd seen tears, but no crying. No losing control. _

'_I've got to get out of here' was the only thought she could form. She looked for a way out._

"_You ok?" Caroline had sensed a change, "you've gone very quiet?'_

_Kate was too busy to answer. She was desperately trying to wrangle her gathering sobs into a silent march, single file, back down into her chest._

_There seemed to be no escaping undetected. She was hoping for divine intervention._

_It came._

_Caroline's phone burst into life, jolting both of them._

"_Good Lord…who could this be?" annoyed to be disturbed._

_She got up to answer it._

_Kate fled to the bathroom and the welcome camouflage of the shower._

.

oo

Kate poured the boiling water into the mug and jiggled the tea bag. She thought about calling Janice. _In a bit, I will_. _I may as well stay here tonight_.

She took herself to the sofa, _Fuck, how did it get this crazy? _She tucked her feet under herself and leant back into the softness of the cushions.

There was that part of her - she'd spoken to Greg about early – that stored things up. _Is that what __I'm__ doing with this need for a baby? _Had she added all the little Caroline misdemeanours together and come up with that as a trump card. To test Caroline's love and need for her?

"_I see your house and raise you one baby."_

_God…she could still see Caroline standing there, her blue eyes flickering side to side, as they do when she's trying to make sense of something or searching for the right emotion or word. She could still hear herself, throat dry, rambling on hopelessly trying to cover herself. Show me your commitment and I'll show you mine._

It was not that she'd given up on the idea of trying to have child of her own, but later on perhaps, not now with the chaos that surrounded them.

But it had been said and she hung on to it…why she was not sure.

Richard had hung on longer than she had with their marriage, hoping to breathe life back into it. For Kate it was done after the last miscarriage. She had loved him, though, in hindsight, she knew that she had used him to create life within her. Literally and figuratively. Through the three pregnancies, the last one actually getting to twelve weeks, she felt justified in her longing to be a mother. There was a hunger there. With the last pregnancy, came the stark realisation that it still wasn't enough. She was still looking for a distraction from Joanne. Perhaps, had she gone to full term, the marriage would have survived and it could have been enough.

"Oh God…is that what I'm doing with Caroline?" she moaned as she felt the wound deep within her turn.

The idea of using Greg to father the baby wasn't new, what she had told Caroline was true. She had thought about using him before she'd met her. In theory the idea of having sex with him made sense to Kate. She'd been there before and it cut out all the palaver of the donor process.

It had been nearly three years since Kate had sex with a man. Richard. From the end of her marriage until Caroline she had not had sex with anyone else. The idea of having sex with Greg seemed feasible.

The reality, however, changed dramatically, that afternoon once she had seen him. The thought of Greg, or anyone but Caroline, touching her body gave her almost a physical abreaction. It wasn't Greg so much as the realisation that no one could compare with Caroline.

It was like her body craved Caroline's touch, her energy, her softness and the essence of who she was. Kate had never experienced such a response before, not even with Joanne. Though she'd had a couple lovers between Joanne and Richard, she'd never done the casual thing. Sex, she felt, was far too important, precious, intimate for that. Making love with Caroline had taken Kate to a new level of understanding about her body, about desire and about the sacredness of connection.

Kate reached to the other side of the sofa and dragged one of the cushions to her chest, hugging it tightly.

She craved her now. Her smell, her touch, her tender blue gaze. Her presence.

Absence. Loss. Inaudible.

Dread.

The thought of losing Caroline slowly crept through her body eliciting souvenirs of barren places and spaces that she'd rather not go to again. Kate breathed into her heart where she found the answer had been sitting all along. Not having Caroline, for her, would be worse than not having a child.

_Caroline now possessed her heart - her fragile heart - and was mending it._ The simple truth.

Kate reached for her heart as she felt it break open. She didn't recognise the sound that came out of her throat. She laid down on the sofa wanting it to hold her. It did.


	16. Chapter 16

O

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 16**

"Holy shit!" Caroline was stunned by the amount of stars that were hovering above her. Not since she was young had she stopped to look at the stars. Really stopped and taken notice of them.

She was mesmerised. Still lying on the ground next to the Jeep. Composed now. She straightened and rested her hands on her belly.

The scientist in her set about looking for recognisable constellations and atmospheric phenomenon. For quite some time she found herself existing in the sparkling wonderland with all its beauty, its reverence, its magnificence, its mystery, its unpredictability. Its pure potential.

"_Now…this, really is awesome,_" as she breathed in she felt an expansion in her chest. An opening. Followed by a feeling of exhilaration spreading like lightening from one cell to another throughout her body. Then a coupling with a known experience. Caroline laid there searching for the match.

.o.

_Kate's mouth was as close as she could get to her ear without actually touching it. "Can you feel that sweetheart?" whispered breath, not spoken._

_They'd just made love. Kate's glistening body was covering the whole of Caroline's, from head to foot. _

_They hadn't seen each other for eight days._

"_Yes." breathed into Kate's ear._

_Attentive silence. _

"_Can you feel me?"_

"_No."_

_Immersed. More silence_

_Their bodies float gently with the rhythm of their breath. Ebbing and flowing._

"_Just this gentle…hum."_

"_Hmmm…I can't tell the difference between us."_

_Hearts beating as one. _

_A soul remembering a soul._

_Kate tucked her head in to the nook of Caroline's shoulder._

_Caroline spliced her fingers together over the back of Kate's heart._

_Love breathing for both of them._

_Serenity. Expansion. Bliss_

.o.

There it was.

In the afterglow.

In Kate. In Her.

In the space in between.

Pure love.

Fusion.

Tears blurred her view.

As the truth made its way through her being, she surrendered to the thrill of it. The more she surrendered the more the thrill rang through her. Quickening her heart and filling her with certainty.

She sat up.

An exuberant laugh escaped.

She stood and leant against the Jeep. She wiped her tears on her shirt as she allowed more joy to filter through to her body.

Caroline moved away from the Jeep and started to turn like a dervish. Slowly at first, with her hand over her mouth, too shy let the sound out. Not daring not to call out for what it was she wanted - needed. Contained. Then as the woman…as the lover, the partner within her gained leverage she threw her arms out far and wide increased her speed, the size of her twirl and the volume of her courage. Caroline then challenged the universe to defy her.

"I…Caroline Elliot…love you…Katherine McKenzie…I love you as I have loved no other…I need you as I have needed no other…I want you as I have wanted no other…I love you to the core of my being…and I'll fight for us…for the us that I know we are…I'm not going to let anything else get in my way…not now… no, no, no… not after all these years…I LOVE YOU…I WANT YOU…I WANT US!"

She came to a stop. Breathing heavily. She looked up at the moon. "Thank you."

There were still tears but now they tasted of courage, hope and joy.

Suddenly she was in a hurry.

As she climbed back into the jeep she was conscious of the wretchedness she'd left in a pile on the ground. She could only hope that the stars and the moon would absorb it before first light.

As Caroline turned the Jeep back onto the road she had never been more sure of the way home.

.

xxxxOxxx

.

Kate sat up quickly and with purpose. She knew what she had to do.

"God, how am I going to fix this?"

She got up and started to hunt for her phone. Her mind raced through what her options could be to get her to Caroline as fast as possible. Taxi…train…Janice?

She was in a hurry now.

It needed to be tonight. It couldn't wait. There had already been too much guessing…too much deception…too much heartache.

The lights of a vehicle entering the carpark caught the corner of Kate's eye as she stood by the window waiting for Janice to answer her phone.

Odd, no one got out of the vehicle.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck prickled up. She moved closer to the window to avoid a reflection.

There under the hazy yellow light was Caroline's Jeep.

She slumped against the window and burst into tears.

She held her hand against the glass looking to feel the embodiment of Caroline. She was left breathless by a wave of pure unbridled exhilaration.

.

O

.

Caroline turned the engine off and rested back against the seat.

"Ok, that bit was easy," she blinked quickly trying to adjust to the darkness.

"What now?"

Sitting in the safety of the vehicle she was reminded of how small and predicable her life had become. It hadn't been a hard life, nor intolerable. There had been a lot to be happy about…thankful for. She'd made her choices back then with whatever tools she'd had.

Hindsight, she felt, was an unreliable critic that got louder with the years. It was much easier to take on the world at thirty or forty but at nineteen, it was hard enough just making your way through your family and peers intact, let alone unencumbered. And near impossible if you needed to walk a different path.

Caroline leant against the headrest as the indelible words of Celia tracked across her mind.

"_What do you think folk will say!" spat out! "I can't stand seeing you make a fool of yourself and your family … thank God the Dean has brought it to my attention!"'_

"_Mum you haven't even met Teresa…and her family are ok with us g-"defiance showing itself. _

"_Turned my stomach when he told me what you were doing," a look of pure revulsion was etched across Celia's face, " Lord knows what else the two of you've been up to!"_

"_Ohh Mum it's 1986…this is not the dark ages!" reason trying to make a claim._

_Celia got up from the kitchen table. "No Caroline…it's bad enough that half of the university is witness to your shocking deviant behaviour and that you are ruining every future chance that comes your way," her lips pressed so thin that Caroline could hardly see them, "but I'll not have you parading yourself and that kind around here where we live, where folk can point at you and say things…no that won't do…I'll not have it!"_

_Caroline looked at Celia with tears streaming down her face. "Mum this is hard for me…I've know about it since I was seventeen and I want-" pleading now. _

"_Yes…well…try growing up!" disdain coating every word, "do you think it's easy for any of us…no…I'll not have it!"_

_Then she was gone: taking with her the tender heart of a young woman_.

This was not time for retribution there were too many scalps already. This was a time for courage to show up. For Caroline make new choices. To claim back the essence of the young woman that she'd left at the kitchen table so long ago.

Now all she had to do was get out of the safety of her Jeep, retrieve her card from the bemused receptionist and face the music.

The drive back had given Caroline the opportunity to rehearse what she may find and she'd promised herself that even if it took ten rounds, she was not getting out of the ring, until Kate could convince her that she didn't feel what Caroline felt.

"Christ" shouted Caroline as the passenger's door suddenly opened. Her heart leapt into her throat.

Kate had tried not to startle Caroline. She didn't succeed.

"Sorry" said softly, almost mouthed.

She got in and closed the door.

Caroline's heart was stuck in her throat beating uncomfortably.

They couldn't look at each other.

The space in between ached.

The silence was broken only with shallow breathing.

"Can I ask why you are just sitting here?"

Caroline pulled herself back from a quick retort.

Breathing deep within, trusting that the truth could be no more excruciating than the last few hours, she threw her heart onto the burning pyre.

"I'm trying to work up the courage…to face you," her voice cracked.

Kate choked on a sob.

More silence stretched itself nervously across the darkness.

They both searched for a beginning that wouldn't end them, right there and then.

"I love you Caroline." The words floated effortlessly and softly from Kate's mouth. "Fiercely."

Caroline closed her eyes and rested her head on the steering wheel, allowing the weight of Kate's words to take hold. The words circled her a couple times before they settled down in front of her. There they waited to be invited in. Tears filled her eyes. Small occasional sniffs troubled her nose.

"I need to say a few things." Kate took a deep breath.

"Greg and I did go upstairs, but only to change my shoes and look for you. We then spent the next couple of hours driving around Halifax looking for you…he dropped me back here and went home." She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. "There was no talk of the baby…he didn't want to do that without you."

Astonished. Caroline lifted her head up and looked at Kate, who was steadfastly staring out the side window. Streaming tears glistened on her face and dropped onto her shirt.

"If I could cut my tongue out for the cruel things that I said to you earlier, I would," jagged breath in, "I'm so sorry you did not deserve that." jagged breath out.

Kate was crying now. Nakedly. Her shame exposed.

Caroline reached out and covered Kate's hand with her own. She then said a silent yes to the hovering words in front of her. She inhaled them. They crammed into her chest.

The space in between them showed the first signs of healing.

Caroline leant towards Kate tugging her hand slightly. They met in the middle. Foreheads forming an apex. Hands combined. Tears flowing.

A bridge.

A beginning.

After a minute or so Caroline pulled a box of tissues from the central console and took a handful.

"This seriously is a lot of fluid," she mumbled, smiling as she blew and wiped. She leant away.

"Mmmm," Kate followed suit and for the first time looked at Caroline, searching for her eyes in the dark. They connected. She was very nervous.

"I need to tell you this…" she inhaled and swallowed dryly, "…other thing…about me," she held her breath.

Caroline's stomach knotted.

"It's ah…arhh…about someone that I lived with...she was a…a partner… and she umm… and she has um… she…she was someone that I lived with for a long time," she released her breath and tried swallowing again as she tried to gather more words together.

"Oh god…has she shown up?" blurted Caroline.

Kate turned back to the window, trying to steady her voice.

"She died."

"Oh."

Stunned, Caroline absently ran her thumb over the back of Kate's hand as she sat there, scrambling for a linear thought to offer.

"Right…right well… best we go in then…this is…this is no place for…"Caroline got out of the car grabbed her bag from the rear seat and walked around to Kate's door. She opened it and offered her hand.

Kate grasped the hand like it was a lifeline.

They both felt the possibility of relief flickering into existence.

.

..O..O..

.

**I am truly amazed and in awe of the response that you have been kind enough to share with me through your reviews and PM's. Some have reduced me to tears (so there's a little payback)...I have been feeling your collective heartache (and sending out cyber hugs by the dozen)…and some have made me laugh out loud…but all have made my heart sing and convinced me that - given that this is my first attempt at writing - I may be ok at this writing thing. **

**So…a very big heartfelt thankyou to you all for reading what I have written….I have loved hearing from you all…including the guests that I can't contact personally. **

**Hang in there with me…there's a bit to go yet...and as the last line above indicates….. :-) **

…**and join in our "Last Tango In Halifax" Forum accessed through the *direct link* forum tag on the top right hand side of the main LTiH stories menu page. Just under the story/search buttons. **

**Please have a safe and peaceful holiday. Seaforce Breeze xxoo**


	17. Chapter 17

0

**The Space in Between**

**Chapter 17**

"I'm Ok," said Kate as she came out of the bathroom, her gut tied in a knot worried at what Caroline's reaction was going to be, "I'm just nervous and a bit … by umm… this…by what I have to say." her voice was shaky. "I haven't had to do this in a while." She walked to the window and leant her head against it summoning up her will to expose herself fully to Caroline. She wanted that. Craved that. It needed to be all or nothing. There was no place left to hide.

Caroline was becoming increasingly concerned. She had never seen Kate like this, in fact, up until just now she had never seen Kate cry. There had been tears on more than one occasion that she'd remembered and that had been after they made love. But no crying or letting go. No. That seemed to be her department.

"Kate, come and sit down." She said softly as she patted the sofa next to her.

"No, thanks Caroline, I need to…to move as I tell you this," she shaded her mouth with her hand. Breathing through her nose. Hard but shallow.

"OK…whatever you need." Caroline felt helpless. The adrenaline coursing through her body wasn't of any assistance.

"I would have told you this before," she pushed her hair off her forehead then raked her hand through it, "but… mmm…I…I could never find the right time…to say it…to tell you…" she swallowed dryly, "so….I'm sorry…and I'm sorry it has to be now."

Caroline felt every hair on hair body standing on end. She desperately wanted to stand and move with Kate.

The room was large and there were two sofas at right angles overlooking a large bay window. The bed, separated by a long sideboard, was at the other end of the room facing its own smaller window.

Kate had a sip of her tea. Took a deep breath. Put the mug down. Turned and looked out the window.

"When I was twenty seven and at university I met a woman called Joanne and arhh…we hit it off straight away…like, love at first sight…and we lived together…for seven years…and then…" she came to a halt. Her voice thinning.

She glanced at Caroline then focussed on a spot on the floor in front of where she sat. A safe spot. An anchor. "Then she died…Joanne died."

Caroline blinked sharply then widened her eyes even further. She straightened her neck and looked down at the same anchor point as Kate then back to her face. Clenching her jaw in anticipation.

Deep breaths. Fist over her mouth. Slight body rock. "…she was umm…it was…"

Kate brought her interlocked hands to her forehead, pushed her head up slowly, and looked directly at Caroline, "a bomb…she was…killed in a bombing," then she doubled over as though she'd been punched in the midriff. Hands on knees. The memory engulfing her. Unbearable.

The shock of Kate's words flashed across Caroline face. Disbelief punched the air from her lungs. She gasped for air. It was though, she too, had taken a direct hit in the solar plexus.

"NOOO Kate!" she jumped up and put her hand on Kate's back. Kate moved away.

"Don't touch me!" she said forcefully as she shook her head, "yet…or I'll never get through this Caroline."

Caroline backed off and leant against the arm of the sofa. Stifling her own tears and distress. Madly trying to process what was being said. She felt completely disoriented. Her legs weak.

Straightening up Kate blew her nose.

"Joanne…she was …umm…" she paused to gather more courage and strength, "the Chelmsford Underground bombing…2005," sucking for air now, she covered her belly with her hands, "she was one of the…15 people killed there." The words were squeezed out though a throat taut with despair.

She doubled over again and she held herself tightly. There was no sound. No breathing.

A fraught noise escaped from behind the hand that was covering Caroline's mouth, betraying her steady exterior. Shocked. Stunned. She felt herself dry retch.

There was a deafening silence.

Caroline found herself needing to take longer measured breaths as she tried to slow her heart rate down and return the steel to her legs

Kate felt herself slipping back into the nothingness. She reached out a hand.

Caroline moved quickly to Kate's side and gripped the hand. She rubbed the back of it with her thumb. The action had always felt tender. A reminder of their connection.

"You need to breathe sweetheart…come on…deep breath in…you can do this…in…."

Kate unfolded as far as Caroline's shoulder, resting her head there as she tried to stay with the story.

Caroline, breathed deeply into her stomach. She felt the strength of the mother, the nurturer and the protector unfurl throughout her body. She resisted the tremendous impulse to take Kate into her arms. To help her hold the pain. Kate needed to ask. This was her time.

"You are doing so well sweetheart," she rubbed her hand up and down Kate's arm.

"There's more." Kate mumbled into Caroline's shirt.

Caroline locked her hips and centred herself.

Kate lifted her head, looked at Caroline, then pulled away. Tears obliterated her vision.

"No…I can't." she dropped onto a sofa shaking, "this is too …arhhhh God…"she closed her eyes and screwed up her face in agony. Her head buried in her hands. The force of her sobs began to jolt her shoulders.

Kneeling in front of her, Caroline rested her arms on Kate's thighs. Mooring her to herself and the enormous strength and love she felt. Grounding her. Her eyes never left her face.

With huge brown eyes swimming in haunted memories Kate looked up and found Caroline. She latched onto her unwavering presence. Then she silently gave herself permission to let go.

Caroline brought Kate's strong hands to her mouth, kissed them tenderly and then held them over her own heart.

"I love you…Kate." she whispered through tears. Eyes locked onto eyes. "Tell me."

"I was twelve weeks pregnant."

The trapdoor opened and Kate fell through.

Caroline moved her to the bed and with her wrapped tightly in her arms she sheltered Kate with everything she had, everything she knew, everything she was. Then asked the universe for more.

The space in between wept.

.

xxxxOxxxx

.

There was a quiet knock at the door. Caroline got up to open it. They'd ordered room service as neither of them had had much to eat since arriving that afternoon.

"Goodness me that's very generous," she smiled at the young woman as she took the tray of food from her.

"Thank you, good night."

Caroline slid the tray onto the table next to the sofas and set about pouring tea for the two of them. Food would be very welcome and she had been surprised at the selection available at 12.30 in the morning. They'd settled on a couple of salads, some pasta and a large pot of Earl Grey.

Kate emerged from the bathroom in a beautiful fluffy house bathrobe.

"God that feels better…there's nothing quite like a shower." She spied the dishes, "good…food mmm…yes a cuppa…thanks." she took the mug from Caroline's outstretched hand.

"Mmmm…my shower was quite reviving and…" said Caroline as she ran her hands over the fabric of her robe." I do love these."

"How are you doing, sweetheart?" She touched Kate's hand as she sat down next to her on the sofa.

"I'm ok …you?"

"I'm good…though I feel pretty wired…maybe the food will settle me down."

"Hmmm…yeah, I'm a bit wired too."

As they ate their late supper the conversation wandered off to different hotel and travel experiences, bringing a comfortable reprieve from the tumult of the day.

Finally done with the food, Caroline turned to Kate and pulled her up the sofa into her arms.

"I know we need to talk about things from earlier in the day Caroline, but I'm not sure that I could do it now," she was playing with the hand that was draped over her shoulder, "tomorrow?"

"That makes two us...we've got two whole days yet." She kissed the back of Kate's head.

"But there is one thing I need to correct tonight because…umm….it's hurting me," Kate hesitated then shifted her body so that she was facing Caroline. Worry lines creased her forehead.

Caroline swallowed, her mind doing an instant checklist of things she said to Kate. "Mmm…okay…" looking guardedly at Kate. _God what have I said._

Kate took Caroline's hand and turned it over kissing her wrist and palm she then laced their fingers together. She was searching for the nerve to look at Caroline.

Finally. "I feel really appalled about the arh…the umm…embarrassing…fumble comment…" she touched Caroline cheek, "you are right, the reality is the polar opposite, and there is absolutely nothing remotely resembling…a fumble…" she waved her hand between to two of them," with what we have…or do…together… when we make love."

Tears sprung into Caroline's eyes.

"I can't get the taste of it out of my mouth…it's kind of like stuck in the back of my throat. So I'm sorry, so very sorry. I know that when I get stressed I lash out but that was…"she exhaled as she shook her head, " unforgiveable."

Caroline kissed her lightly, "sshhh…apology accepted." she kissed her again.

"I promise you that I would never humour you about that…us."

"Thank you" smiling gently as she stroked Kate's cheeks.

"Now, if I am not mistaken, I may just have the answer for your mouth." Caroline jumped up and rummaged through her overnight bag producing a block of their favourite dark chocolate. She was so pleased with herself as she settled back next to Kate.

Kate laughed. "Dr, you do know the way to a girl's heart," kissing Caroline's neck as she snuggled back against her shoulder "mmmhhmm…thank you gorgeous," as she slipped a piece of chocolate into her mouth.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while assimilating the last couple of hours.

"What are you thinking?" Kate leant away so she could see Caroline's face.

"Hmm…I don't know…umm…how much there is to know about people."

"Mmmm."

"I mean even if you live with them most of your life! Like mum or John?"

Kate waited for her to expand on that.

"I can't help but wonder that if my mum, you know, with the whole Alan thing, had shared with me…or at least someone else, what was going on with her would she have had so many years of misery…and John? " Caroline took a nibble of chocolate and with the piece still between her thumb and finger asked the question with her hand.

"What about John?" asked Kate as she bit at the floating piece of chocolate which Caroline then fed her distracted by the question.

"Since I've know us, you and me, I realise that I don't think I know much about him…seems stupid I know…but I can't think of conversation that I've had with him that hasn't been about the usual stuff…the boys, mum, his writing, school, that kind of thing. It's like this groove that we got into. This day to day groove, the safe lane," she looked up towards the ceiling, recalling "it's like putting a veneer over your real life …the one you feel…so that you can get through the disappointments, the poor decisions you make…I don't know the things you should have said," Caroline shrugged her shoulders and looked to Kate to see if she was making any sense, "and the next thing you know it's twenty years down the track and it's like, who are you?"

"Mmhm," Kate nodded and shifted back on the sofa so that she could rest her legs over Caroline's knees.

"Are you wondering that…about me now?" tilting her head as she looked at Caroline.

"No…and yes," she drew a squiggly line with her finger on Kate's shin, "I guess…I don't know…it's…I wonder how come I didn't know about Joanne…why you didn't tell m-"

"Caroline I…"

"Let me finish Kate," Caroline pressed down on Kate thigh, " then I realised that, besides Richard and Alison, I've never asked you about your previous relationships…I…" she looked at Kate, guiltily," there's this part of me that didn't want to know, in case…you know…then I'd be comparing…I know it's vanity…I can't seem to…" She looked away embarrassed, "help myself?"

Kate reached over and squeezed her hand tenderly. "Caroline."

Caroline looked up over Kate's head, her blue eyes flickering back and forth trying to recall. "Do you have anything like photos or other mementos at your house…that I have blindly walked past?"

"Yeah there are a few…most of them are in my study, and you've not been in there…and really we've not spent much time at my house for you to discover these things."

"Yes but still? Caroline shrugged her shoulders, tears forming in her eyes, "You needed to trust me first…huh...and I didn't make you feel that?" She wiped at her eyes with a finger, "or you would have told me by this."

Kate took her free hand in both of hers. "I didn't exactly make it easy for you either…I didn't mean for her to become a secret, but as time went on she did. I guess as it's not your usual ex-partner story and I find it hard to tell because it not easy to gauge how people will react," Kate kissed her hand, "So I'm sorry that I didn't trust you earlier. Come here?" She swung her legs behind Caroline and pulled her forward into her arms. They laid there holding onto the warmth of the truth and each other.

Caroline fussed with the back of Kate's hair.

"Would you tell me about her…about Joanne?" she said softly as she kissed the side of Kate's head.


	18. Chapter 18

0

**The Space In Between**

**Chapter 18**

If the front door of my heart is locked and you need to get in…break a window…we can clean it up later. Shane Koyczan

* * *

><p>"Would you tell me about her…about Joanne?" Caroline said softly as she kissed the side of Kate's head.<p>

"You mean now?"

"Only if you want…later…if you feel that would be better."

After a bit Kate sat up and took Caroline's hand.

"I need to see you as I talk."

They move to the bed and propped themselves up on the pillows so that nothing was missed. Legs entwined. Hands held.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Caroline's eyes radiating love, "you?"

Kate nodded.

"I'm not sure where to start."

"You said that you met at Uni."

Kate took a big breath. "I was in my last year of languages and she was finishing off a Master's in mathematics. She was Australian, came from Perth…was 2 years older than me and …umm….she was offered a post at Durham as a mathematics lecturer."

"How did you meet?"

"Arhh…yes…well," Kate smiled, "she broke my ankle!"

"That's pretty subtle."

Kate laughed. "It was on the university campus and she crashed into me on her bike."

"She was on a motorbike?"

"No, a pushbike…well not on it for long, because she ended up on the ground with me…with a broken wrist."

"Oouch!"

"Mmmm...not the friendliest way to meet, but memorable, yes?" Kate looked at her ankle and wriggled it, " I had to take a couple of weeks off uni to let my ankle settle down and the next thing I knew she turned up on my doorstep about five days later, with a big bunch of flowers and a picnic basket for lunch, and invited herself in. Apparently that's how long it took her to get my home address…so…that's how I met Joanne Hall." Kate looked up remembering. "After that we were kind of inseparable."

"An Australian huh?"

"Hmm," grinned Kate, "quintessentially. She was a little bit taller than me, had beautiful auburn shoulder length thick wavy hair, fit as can be because she rode her bike everywhere, mind you she was a bit of a fitness nut." She said tilting her head and raising her eye brows as though it had been an issue.

"And you lived in Durham?"

"Yes, we'd bought a lovely little cottage just north of Durham…and we were there for 5 years." Kate's eyes clouded over, "We had just put a deposit on a slightly larger house…because of the baby…when she…when it happened."

"Oh Kate." Caroline kissed the back of her hand, then held it to her cheek.

"I do want to tell you about the umm…pregnancy and stuff, but not tonight, except to say that we…I…lost him - we thought it was a boy - eleven days after she died…and that Greg was not the father," she looked at her hand on Caroline's cheek then back up to her eyes, "In case you were wondering, Janice's' brother Grayem was."

Caroline nodded thankfully. "It had crossed my mind."

"And, no, we didn't 'just do it'," Kate said gingerly, "In case that was crossing your mind as well."

Caroline smiled awkwardly, she was eager to know the details of the pregnancy but there would be plenty of time for that later.

"Did you ever go to Australia?"

"No." Kate straightened up a little and looked away.

"Did she have family there?"

Kate sat up rigidly.

"I'm sorry, is this a bit too…"

"No it's alright…I need to tell you this bit too…so it may as well be now." Tears formed in her eyes again.

Caroline sat up and moved across the bed so that she was directly facing her. She reached for the tissues then took Kate's hands in hers. "I'm listening."

Kate recalled how the first time the Halls had come to stay. They'd de-dyked the flat and pretended that they were just chums. They'd liked Kate but didn't include her in the family outings - why would they? It put a bit of a strain on the relationship, particularly after Joanne declined an invitation from Kate's parents to meet them. Joanne also had a brother, Grayem that loved them both and was still friends with Kate. By the next time the Halls visited Joanne had already told them the truth. Not that they'd ever acknowledged the relationship. So they arrived with all their prejudices and were reserved and dismissive of Kate and the partnership. Which, turned out to be too much for Joanne, so she packed them off to a hotel and out of her life.

"Of course they never saw each other again." Kate started to cry and bowing her head she stretched forward and rested it against Caroline's shoulder.

"That was two years before…the…the bombing."

"Oh Kate." She rubbed her back.

"After it happened…well… it became one nightmare on top of the other." Kate's voice started to take on an edge as she sat up straight and turned away.

"Why?" Mystified.

"Guess?" with a touch of anger.

Caroline, with a furrowed brow, angled her head forward so that she was looking into Kate's face.

Kate swung around and got off the bed.

"I'm sorry Caroline…I arhh..." shaking her arms she then raked her hands through her hair, "I…still get angry at this bit." She exhaled forcefully.

Caroline knelt on the edge of the bed, her stomach tightened.

"I of course, had no legal rights…nothing….zip," hot tears spilt out, "seven years!" she clapped her hands together forcefully, "meant nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, and they used that against me!"

Caroline climbed off the bed. "Are you kidding me?" she looked at a distressed Kate, "no, of course you're not…oh Kate…sweetheart!" covering her mouth with her hand.

Kate sat back down on the bed trying to gather the many thoughts racing through her mind. She looked at Caroline and held out her hand pulling her onto the bed beside her. She took Caroline's two hands in hers and held them to her chest resting her chin on them like they would help her draw out the words that she needed.

"The authorities couldn't release her body to me, even though they desperately wanted to, they lawfully had to give…." she swallowed tightly and took a deep breath, "…Joanne to her next of kin…she had no will…and I had no legal claim and the Halls, its seemed, had no moral or ethical desire to change that," her voice was getting smaller, "so they flew her home to Perth." Her hot tears made their way through Caroline's fingers. Caroline's own vision was blurred.

"I was not invited," she sobbed a soft breath in, "I did not exist."

Caroline folded her arms all the way around Kate pulling her head to her chest. Harbouring her. Caroline closed her eyes and rested her cheek on the top of Kate's bowed head. Swaying them gently she allowed her own heart to break along with Kate's.

The pieces to the puzzle of Kate continued to lock together.

Kate reached for a tissue.

"The media were all over them like a rash…and wanted to include me…the Hall's said no… Joanne was unmarried…here on an extended working holiday…they asked that the media not publish anything about our relationship…so they didn't…and really that's not what I wanted either."

"The university were brilliant. Durham Uni. They honoured her with their highest order and put together a magnificent memorial," Kate flashed a proud but shy smile, "and they acknowledged me..." she turned her sad eyes to Caroline, "as her partner." whispered with gratitude. "Only Grayem came."

"Did they know about the baby?"

"No."

Kate wiped the tears from Caroline's cheeks with her thumbs then kissed her gently, silently thankful for her patience and compassion.

"The university then fought the Halls all the way to the courts over my right to her superannuation, the house etc." Kate pulled back from Caroline and made a victory fist.

"Did they win?"

Kate felt a surge of power beginning in her belly. "Yes they did… that was the turning point in for me…it took two years but we got there…I did exist…they fucking couldn't deny that any longer!"

Becoming animated she got up off the bed. "I existed…I was their daughter's lover …girlfriend … her life partner! You know…I didn't want anything from them, in fact I didn't want to have anything to do with them…it was for Joanne. I just wanted them to acknowledge that I mattered in Jo's life…that what we had together mattered to her and the acknowledgement of that - the superannuation stuff, the house - validated the last seven years of Joanne's life…for Joanne…for me…and for all those that knew her and loved her," angrily spreading her arms wide, "over here!"

"God!" through clenched teeth "that it took all _that_…two fucking years to…to what?" Kate strode across the room with her hands clenched behind her head, "….to continue the delusion that their daughter wasn't a dyke, living withher _dark skinned girlfriend_ …and that was more sodding important to them than embracing her life…and getting to know all the amazing, wonderful people who were in it." Her voice cracked. She felt almost destructive, and gulped, trying restrain herself.

Caroline was following Kate intensely with her eyes as she paced back and forth. She was enthralled by this side of Kate. This version. Passionate Kate. Emotional Kate. Vulnerable Kate.

There was nothing useful to say. The miracle of the moment came in the witnessing. There was so much energy running through her own body that she felt sure she could power up the whole building. Caroline could never remember feeling this strong. This alive. This connected to someone else. Ever.

She got off the bed and leant against the back of a sofa to be nearer to Kate.

"They so missed out…her love was so big and she loved so much, and so many," Kate exhaled, loudly, just beating a sob "and she loved me with an intensity that I thought I would die without," the agony rasped her throat as the words passed through, "…until…until…" she stopped in front of Caroline, wiped her angry eyes with the back of her hands, "until…I met you."

"Ughh" Caroline grabbed at her chest, winded, "Guhh!"

Kate paced to the other side of the room holding her head.

"You have the same…same…I don't know…" Kate turned and closed the gap between them, almost rushing, she took Caroline's face forcefully in her hands, "the same look, the same want, the same hunger… _for me_," their lips crashed together as Kate's heartache spilt over looking for some kind of release. She dragged Caroline towards the bed and almost threw her onto it.

"I'm here Kate…I'm here." Caroline kissed fiercely at the tears that were coming freely.

"God I want you Caroline!" Kate was tearing at Caroline's bathrobe, she freed one of her breasts and latched onto it, kneeling over her. She rolled her onto her back. Her free hand searched frantically below looking for ways into her. It became tangled in the fabric. "Jesus!" she almost shouted, her eyes imploring Caroline to help her.

Caroline, already more than ready, managed to undo the sash that was holding her robe together. She took Kate's hand and swept it down her body, gasping as Kate made contact.

"Ughh Caroline…you are so wet…ohh fuck."

Kate climbed between Caroline legs and lowered herself down urgently seeking an end to her distress. She had found it here before. Deep within this amazing woman, her friend, her lover, her passion.

"Jesus Kate…woahh," writhing to Kate's touch, "woahh…Kate that's so…so..ughhh!"

Caroline was caught between her own desperate desire for release from the awful driving ache that was building around Kate's fingers and mouth, and the need to help Kate find some kind of reprieve from the shadows of her past.

"Kate…Kate…I need to kiss you…come back up here…I want to taste your mouth." Caroline clasped at Kate's hair pulling her up. She seized Kate's bottom lip, pulling at it then switching to the top lip groaning as she tasted herself which plunged their kiss even deeper. Caroline's left hand searched for a nipple and finding one she softy started to pinch and roll it.

"Arhh…Caroline you know that drives me crazy"

"That's the idea!"

Kate tried to peel away and move back to where her hand was working, slowly and rhythmically.

"No…Kate…no don't" said firmly.

"What!?" matching.

Using the element of surprise Caroline flipped Kate onto her back, then straddled her.

A test of wills.

"Caroline!" Kate called foul.

"Do you trust me?"

"What kind of a question is that?" warning now, "Is this about the fumbling …"

Covering her mouth with a firm long slow wet kiss. Caroline gained the upper hand.

"No…" she held Kate's gaze. "Do you?"

"Of course I do," cautiously, sensing a trap.

Caroline untied Kate's robe and with a bit of choreography and a few strategically placed kisses freed her from it. She then discarded her own.

"Ough!" Caroline lunged forward as Kate's hand had found its way back into her.

"Caroline I really want you …now!" Kate tugging Caroline back to her kissed and nibbled at her ear.

Caroline removed Kate's hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Defensive. She detected the trap getting closer.

She wrestled against Caroline.

It became a confrontation. Prickly.

"I want…you…can't you wait!" becoming impatient and fragile.

Caroline was aware the line was very fine but she intuitively knew that Kate needed to cross it.

"I know you do sweetheart," she convincingly kissed her lips. Kate placed her hand behind her head harshly drawing her in to intensify the kiss.

Caroline slid a leg in between Kate's and broke the kiss. She waited until Kate looked at her.

"You need me…I know that darling," gaining trust, "but you need me…inside you."

Kate blinked. Yep. There was the trap. She crumbled and turned away. Her tears returned.

Caroline pulled her knee up harder against Kate.

She groaned and wrapped her legs spontaneously around Caroline's thigh, thrusting into it. Automatically craving her.

"Arrghh…God!...Caroline please…I don't think I can go there." Beseeching. Frightened.

"Seriously!" Irritated.

"Yes you can!" Caroline was surprised at the sound of control in her own voice, "Look at me...you don't have to do this alone sweetheart…I am with you."

The space in between them became electrified. Potent.

Caroline held the energy as she slowly trailed her hand down Kate's belly, over her dark curls coming to rest with the tip of a finger on Kate's clitoris. A shock wave travelled through them both.

"It's time."

Caroline leant down and tenderly kissed the side of Kate's mouth then traced her way to her ear.

"I love you Kate…more than I have ever loved anyone in my life."

Kate inhaled a couple of times. She hovered on the edge of acceptance. She wanted to look at Caroline.

Hesitant. Guarded.

"I want you…I want to be inside you…be a part of you." Whispered now as she gradually allowed her fingers to slide down into the valleys of Kate's wetness to do her bidding for her.

"Let me in?"

"Arhh Caroline." Kate's body shuddered as she released her breath. A forceful cry acknowledged the full intensity of yearning that was coursing through her cells. That always coursed through her body whenever Caroline touched her.

"I want you…yes I want you." she cradled Caroline's face in her hands bringing their mouths together with a passionate kiss that detonated their matched craving. "I want you...so badly…Caroline," she pleaded through sobs as she clutched at Caroline's hand pushing it further into herself.

"Woahh…Jesus!" Caroline, conscious of the magnitude her of own longing, arched into Kate as she surrendered to a wave released deep within her own core.

"Oh God Kate…you feel so beautiful, so smooth." Caroline breaking away from another deep kiss moved far enough away to be able to lock on to Kate's eyes, "Is it ok for me to…be…here?" she gently squeezed her hand and stroked with her fingers.

Kate's hips rose off the bed desperate for a deeper connection. She bit her bottom lip. Let out a ragged sigh and nodded. "Please." She closed her eyes. "Please."

Breathing deeply and evenly Caroline tracked her way down to the joined hands. She knelt between Kate's legs - extracting a guttural moan from the back of Kate's throat as she did so - widening them, exposing her even further.

Caroline placed a steadying hand on Kate's belly.

Kate was adrift in a sea of familiar terrifying emotions. There have been no eyewitnesses here. No one that would know how desolate this place could be. No one that would understand that if she screamed for a thousand days the pain would still be there. No one that could comprehend she feared that if she gave herself completely she would revive her desperate longing for the touch of Joanne the smell of Joanne the feel of Joanne…for the embodiment of her…

"Kate…Kate…hold on to my hand."

Until now.

"Kate…Kate…look at me darling."

Until Caroline.

As Kate watched Caroline enter her with her tongue, her breath, her fingers and with her fierce love she found herself demanding more, feeling more, wanting more, wanting to be led from this bleak garrison. Her body swayed and pitched in communion with the force of Caroline who was confiscating all lurking fears as she guided Kate back to the place where she'd left in 2005.

Caroline, sensing that Kate was near, withdrew her fingers and allowed them to rest in the slippery hollows. She needed to be with Kate as a witness of the moment. Eye to eye. Heart to heart. She kissed and nuzzled her way back up Kate's impatient body to her waiting eyes and lips.

"Oh God… Caroline…aaarhh…I'm close…I'm so close," mouth on mouth totally encompassed.

Caroline pulled Kate up on to her knees without breaking the kiss or removing her hand and settled her down over her thighs rocking their bodies gently back and forth.

Their breathing synchronized.

They kiss so deep that they need to gasp for air every so often.

Their bodies were glistening from the energy spent.

Kate detached from the kiss and sought Caroline's resting hand.

Caroline detached from the kiss and sought Kate. All of her.

Submerged in vulnerability.

Submerged in love.

A slow blink. A beautiful smile. An unspoken yes.

The journey had been long and lonely. The end was in sight. Kate reached for it through Caroline's eyes.

Her heart and body were willing.

Annihilation was a tough negotiator.

Surrender was the only option.

Kate closed her eyes and lowered herself down on to Caroline's waiting hand. Trusting her. Loving her. Needing her.

The rhythm of their union gained pace rapidly. There had been nothing like this before.

Raw. Open. Untamed. Merciless.

"Slow down darling."

Caroline held Kate firmly against her with her free arm, slowing her, reassuring her. She then pushed her back gently and lowered her mouth on first on one then the other of Kate's breasts. Sucking lightly as she rolled her tongue around the firmness of each nipple.

Kate lifted Caroline's head reaching for her mouth and a share of her tongue.

Their bodies, succulent and shining, glided effortlessly against each other. Glistening breasts crushed between. Their faces drenched. Their hair damp and wild. Beads of sweat ran down their backs forming streams that flowed over rounded muscles and taut thighs then discreetly disappeared into the sheets underneath them. They gave themselves over to the tempo of the dance, surrendering to its progression.

Kate, breathless, blinked as she tried to focus through dark and wilful eyes. Fearful of the end.

"Stay with me sweetheart," softly through rasping breaths, bringing her back to them "feel my fingers… my thumb…yeah….just feel them darling…breathe them up into you…gently," she felt Kate's tension easing, "don't fight it… just breathe into the sensation…as you feel it…I'm here with you…hold on to me…you're safe."

Kate started to moan and tremble. She clung to Caroline so tightly that her fingernails were lost deep within her flesh. "Ohh Caroline…hold me…pleas-" Caroline's lips silenced her. Her tongue united them both with the intention of her fingers and with the courage that vulnerability asks for.

"Stay with me darling." requested through passion and strength.

Their saturated hips and thighs thrusting in unison. Gaining momentum. Burning with effort.

"Oh God …God….fuuuck….OHHH CAROLINE…..arhhhhhhh… NOOOO…pleaaase…Ohh…fuucck …Ohhh God!"

"That's it…hold on to me." Caroline, tears stream down her face, grasped Kate's hair pulling her away so that she can look at her, "I'm not letting you go…ever!"

A primal sound tore its way out through Kate's throat scorching it. She rose one last time. Arching her back she wailed for her lost lover. Her lost child. Their lives so brutally ripped away from her.

She grabbed at her throat choking out the last of her past. She felt like she was drowning.

"Look at me darling, feel me…I've got you…I've got you!"

Kate opened her eyes and bound herself to Caroline.

They waded together through the grief to dry land.

Once there, Kate reached for Caroline. Her love. Her tenderness. Her acceptance. Her forgiveness.

"Now I have you…I have you…I have you…I have you." Kate wept and settling back onto Caroline's thighs, embraced her strong loving hand deep within her, she shuddered wildly as she acquiesced to the breathtaking power of her climax. It swept vigorously through her body capturing Caroline as it went.

Together they let go.

Kate felt like she was falling now, for the second time, this time, though, it was all the way down, all the way through, all the way home.

Cradled against the weeping body of her beloved, whose arms knew the desperate ache of isolation, Kate allowed herself to be found and tenderly stitched back together.

Caroline wept for the perfection of the moment. The freedom in her heart. The liberation of a shy teenager from the kitchen table. And the woman in her arms.

Salvation.

The space in between was sanctified .

* * *

><p><strong>Written under the influence of Ludovico Einaudi's excellent album 'In a Time Lapse.' Particularly the second half of this chapter with tracks called "Experience, Waterways, Underwood &amp; Burning."<strong>

**You can find it on YouTube. Try the two together. Please let me know if it works for you too.**

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